Category Archives: Heavens Hotlines

Heaven’s Hotlines: Standing in a Doorway

Do you believe in miracles?
I do.
I’m a walking talking, living, breathing-miracle.
If you know me you know since birth, i was not supposed to be here.
I was never supposed to be who i am today.
And you know that I have had several encounters with almost death.
I’ve experienced a lot of trauma
Still, I’m here
I smile
I laugh
I live
And that alone is a miracle
Some people never recover from the things that I have gone through
Some people have lost their smiles
But here I am, its 2019
and I find myself standing in a door way
leaving one place and entering another
excited for what lies before me
and proud of the rooms and doors I’ve walked through and closed in previous years
I was nervous about 2019
since 2013 every odd year has been a very trying and tough year for me
but i decided that ends this year
I have the power and authority to declare that this will be a good year
and I believe that it will.
So here we all are standing in our own doorways
somewhere in the grey area of our transitions into a new chapter of life
are you ready?

i have a good feeling about this.

My Black Diary

One of my soulmates posted this beautiful photo of herself today and it triggered me to have a jimmy neutron type brain blast! I even went to finally get my cracked phone screen fixed because of this.

I am constantly thinking of new ways to be creative and express the love that I have in my heart. I love Black History Month because it is the one time where blackness is celebrated outwardly. In what spaces…to what degree…and how genuine are all questionable. And the fact that we as a nation minimize the value of an entire people to a single month is unbelievable. I know.

However, my critique of Black History Month is different. I’m looking through a different lens this year. I feel that Black History Month is a lot of the times so depersonalized. It focuses completely on the outliers. There is a separation between who is chosen to represent an entire people and the everyday black person. The typically over-romanticized but incredibly important figures that we all know and respect so much for all they’ve done…the amount of change they provoked should not be minimized and they should be recognized for this regularly.

But I’m seeking a deeper level of representation. I’m seeking balance.

We all are valuable as black people. And we are magical. Everyday bruh. Our blackness stretches so far and wide. I believe that our family members. our friends. They have done for us internally, what grand historically black figures have done for the country and our race as a whole.

So like I said, I saw this photo of this black woman, my friend, and I decided to challenge myself to create this screen saver/haiku challenge. I’ve been working on disciplining myself and working on committing to things and being held accountable to complete what I say I want to achieve. So this will help with that (encouragement is welcome)! Also I truly believe that the essence and work and passions of all the people I will be posting daily will make a huge impact on the world.

In some shape or form these people will shake this earth. And of this I am certain. I do not know how they will, but they will. And my rationale behind this is not solely because they are friends and family of mine who I know and love personally. Or because they all have impacted my life.

But it feels pretty appropriate for a month dedicated to Black People and Love.

So I’m challenging myself to be as objective and succinct as possible in order to capture their importance in this world as black men and women. As leaders. And as change makers. I’m trying to describe them how I feel the world should remember them. And as much as I want people to just believe in them like I believe in them off the strength of the fact that I love them.

I want their being, to speak for itself.

And I will reflect on the entire series by the end of the month-ish on heavens hotlines (I know I pump faked on the last series but that one needs time to evolve so it’s on pause). Anyways, yeah it’s important for me to reflect because this is about them but it’s also specifically about me. It’s about me thinking about me through thinking about them. I know that might not seem to make sense. I know. Super meta.

Here goes.

(Follow series on IG: shetheroses)

The Collateral Beauty in the Synonymity of Love

The harmonic sounds of steady rain, meshed with a hailstorm, blizzard and wind dancing on a window surround me. It’s half past midnight, and I can’t seem to calm these thoughts. I had pretty intense conversations tonight. Tough conversations. Vulnerable conversations. These conversations among a few other experiences have inspired me to work on this new series, ‘The Collateral Beauty in the Synonymity of Love.’

“Dear Love, I God you” has always been one of my favorite play on words and witty use of synonyms. “Love” and “God” are synonymous. Because God is Love. But is all Love God? Love is more than a feeling or a choice, it is an action or a decision. It also has synonyms. Love is synonymous. Though synonyms can essentially be used interchangeably, they always mean something slightly different. For instance, a synonym for “mad” could be angry, infuriated, enraged etc. We interpret these words as virtually the same, however, I want to highlight how they all explore different degrees of the same emotion.

That is my intention behind this series. To distinguish and make sense of the synonyms for Love. Love is synonymous and there are different degrees of Love.

Love says:

“I’m here”

“I’m in this”

“I am committed”

But it’s important for me to explore the similarities and differences in the degrees of love because I think, or know, I sometimes confuse Love. Not necessarily in regard to confusing it with lust or infatuation or romanticization. Rather, with acknowledging the degrees and being able to acknowledge and accept them for what they are. As much love as there is that lives inside of me, I’m not sure I’ve ever known or shared it with others. I’ve rarely acknowledged the degrees of Love that I have experienced. I think this because I have not taken the time or initiative to learn Love. To distinguish it or even recognize it, especially when it appears differently than I’d imagined. I hope that by writing this, I am able to understand more about giving, receiving and accepting love of all varying degrees. Instead of disqualifying the Love that I have received based on ignorance and lack of knowledge.

Note to Self: “Be”

Trees breathing.

There’s a hurricane on the lose.

thoughts.

wrecking my brain, and aching and reminding me that I am not the same

changed and ever-changing

Growing, I’m still growing

but am I glowing?

 

_______________________________________

Enthralled by feelings of self-doubt, worry and “not good enough’s”

We live in a plastic world, where you are expected to be on point.

From the moment you wake up until dusk- you must

do better. try harder. study more. work longer

Breathe.

Why don’t we remember to breathe? or eat? or sleep? or Be?

Just be.

Too often we forget to breathe.

I sat outside last night for the first time in weeks

to just breathe.

I watched the moon, and oh how I’ve missed the moon

listened to crickets chirping and admired the wind

Do you ever miss the parts of you that make you ‘You’ deep within?

I do.

___________________________________________

Tired of existing in this space where the objective is perfectionism.

 

What are we doing here?

What is the purpose?

thoughts.

I’m reminded of my humanity

of my strengths, of my weakness

And I want to curl up and hide some days

because if people knew, that I was fragile too…

we’re all going through something

weaving through the ins and outs of each day

and the pastor just keeps saying “Pray”

But I can’t ever seem to find the words to say

misunderstood.

__________________________________________

I wish I felt every day how I feel at dusk

that brief moment between the sun resting right before the night falls.

when the day is done- and you have won

I want to notice the world happening all around me

to smile, genuinely

to compliment somebody

to try, to take risks, to make mistakes and even to fail

but for that to be okay.

I want to release my emotions

to laugh and to love and to be happy

but somedays I find myself frowning behind smiling teeth

seemingly drowning

suppressing-suppressing, this heart

this heart that keeps me grounded

I find myself sometimes uncertain, living minute by minute anxious of the thought of “what’s next?”

these thoughts.

 

_______________________________________________

I ask myself, “when do you ever rest?”

dreams haunt you about tomorrow or money or assignments

you look in the mirror and sometimes you see a mess

________________________________________________

switch it off.

the negative thoughts

the worry

the anxiety

the chaos

or your soul will pay the cost

________________________________________________

 

Be still

and know that things will be alright

be brave, don’t isolate

and just like the pastor says pray

pray in song, in dance, or maybe even draw

turn off your phone; unplug

God knows you, you gotta know that you are loved

______________________________________________

And most importantly, stay free

take the time to breathe at dawn

thankful for the blessing that is a new day

yeah, you might not get everything done

yeah, there may never be enough time at all

just keep your eyes focused on the love, the triumph and the victory you’ll feel at dusk.

Think the happy thoughts and just Be.

 

 

 

Heaven’s Hotlines: Forgive Me, First Love

I was moved to tears today.

At the thought of allowing God to slip from 1st place in my life.

The other day I sat on my uncles couch inquiring about how to move forward with God. And he quoted a scripture as a means to encourage me not to condemn myself for not always understanding but just to have faith and obedience. That scripture was Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways” and when I heard this spoken about in church I was so moved because I’m like something is really tugging on my heart.

Every Sunday when I go to church I feel like that feeling of confidence and accomplishment of a new start. Much like you’d feel when you hit the reset button and blew through a game for your Sega* (game system sorry if you’re too young to catch the reference lol) Sundays are my favorite day because of this. I continually feel refreshed like its truly a new day but then I asked myself, why can’t I feel this every day? Why can’t I carry this with me every where that I go?

I realized that when you put God first everything else aligns itself in your life. And in order to be ready to receive your blessings and miracles you have to be committed and focused on God in your life and trust that he will favor and provide for you in all things.

So when I cried today, it was at the thought that I’d ever put my first love in second place. Distracted by relationships and social environments among other things I realize I was trying to align things on my own and i’ve experienced how things fall apart when you do that.

I believe that everyone who believes in God can always grow closer to him each day so I just want to encourage anyone who has been grappling with their happiness, conflicting emotions, condemnation, failing or just feelings of emptiness. Seek him and you will find. And every time you will see that you will be alright. It’s the most important and peaceful feeling when you finally realize how to finally move forward in your life.

Heaven’s Hotlines: Good Intentions

The Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths”

This is really profound to me now as I approach my birthday coming up in the late of June. I ask myself, “What do I want?” You know the whole ‘ask and you shall receive’ principle is useless without knowing what you want for yourself. I don’t want to end up not knowing what I want and therefore not knowing what to ask for and ultimately not receiving as a result.

Only for the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want. I want to focus on myself. I want to develop and grow in my faith, in my career, in my studies and increase the joy and happiness I experience on a regular basis. However, this is hard for me to grapple with because I’m such a lover of people. Such a social being. I want to share everything with everyone and I tend to lose focus on myself in the process. Now, I kind of want to dedicate and commit some serious time for myself and my individual growth. This is something that I’ve been sharing with my best friend and my sister. Both who have heard me express a similar desire for some time but have not seen a change in my behavior or actions therefore they see me as the girl who cried wolf. So I decided to dial up heavens hotlines today. I prayed for a long time. I thought in silence for a long time. And now I’m writing to flesh out these thoughts.

I’m reminded that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. In other words without action your plans and goals are useless. I can sit here all day and say I want, I want, I want. And I have done so for a while. However, if I’m not actively pursing the things that I want by accepting change; I will continue to get the same results. Insanity they call it. And it feels a lot like that sometimes with the internal conflict between wanting change but doing nothing about it.

I think sometimes, I don’t take action because then that solidifies that things will really get real. Comfort can be the enemy. It’s safe and there are no surprises. But I want to break of this comfort because that’s how you grow. That’s how you mature. And I also know that discipline is a huge factor required in the sort of change in focus that I long for, but I have been trying to find my way around it. Discipline comes from within. It is a change in mentality I know is required for me to change and reevaluate my focus. So there’s really no avoiding that.

Prayer does change things as well but at the end of the day you have the free will to live the life you choose. And now I really want to shift my attention. In many ways I feel like I’m being too abrupt or selfish in thinking about focusing on myself. But I know to whom much is given much is tested or required. So since this desire was placed on my heart I want to follow it and encourage anyone who may be thinking about inviting any new changes in their lives to do it. Do not be swayed or guilt tripped into believing focusing on yourself is ever a negative thing. And be clear that deciding to focus on yourself is a commitment but does not exclude helping others or neglecting friends. It just means you are making yourself a priority and I know for me the single most important relationship that I want to hold above all else is that which is with God. That relationship is the only one I can think of that will guide me 100% in the right direction and will favor and bring great peace to my life. Always.

 

Dialing Heaven’s Hotlines: Valentine’s Day

I woke up to no alarm. The natural vibrations in my body matched by the sunlight peeking through closed curtains welcomed me to the morning. Thankful, to see another day. I slightly predicted the message about marriage to be preached at church and anticipated to feel like I stuck out like a black person in a predominantly white institution as a single. I thought I was going to feel the bitterness of lonely. And resentment and jealousy of memories of past valentines day.

However, I was pleasantly surprised. I was overwhelmed by God’s love. By the presence of his spirit. For I know love because he first loved me. So I relaxed in the pew I sat in and basked in this love. Today is a celebration of love. Of unity. Of marriage. Of oneness. I can only be happy for all those in love celebrating valentines day not as a trend or out of tradition but as a symbol and reflection of the love they have for one another.

I’m optimistic about the love I know that is waiting for me here on this earth. That is preparing itself and shaping and molding and maturing, just for me.

 

Happy Valentines Day everyone!