Heaven’s Hotlines: Summer 2020

The masses frantically buying toilet paper clorox is scarce. hand sanitizer is even more rare.
everywhere there are masks, hiding my favorite feature
on every channel, every story, every tweet
an affirmation:
black lives matter
And it’s true
changing my fb profile picture to the same black square I protested with in 2014 reminds me
I’ve been here before
a whole lot of heartache, headaches now too
and i just long for outside
the release of the mask from behind my ears
makes me wish for a space to feel full again
I’ve been blowing bubbles
I’ve been reading
I’ve been cooking
And sometimes not eating
I’ve been walking
I’ve been teaching
I’ve been taking baths
Drinking green tea
And I’ve spent hours talking to my dad
And Netflix binging
but isn’t there more?
more than this?
Connecting from cellphones and WiFi and TV
I miss the street
I miss the ground that reminds me that I belong here
Solid and safe
my size 4.5’s walked confidently
now sometimes my ankles buckle at the thought that
this earth is cracking
crumbling into oblivion
and that I could lose the me that i’ve worked so tirelessly at creating
now I’m just looking for something to hold on to
I’d like for someone to hold on to me too
my security blanket, a harness just in case
I’ve been looking for a smile in my smile
mirroring the me I used to know but can’t see
So I’d like a pair of brand new eyes
And a new view too
Cause it took a lot to get here
A lot of building, A lot of falling
A lot of growing, A lot of trauma
A lot of consistency, A lot of pain
A lot of rising from the rubble
And yet, life’s mysteries never fail to remind me of the delicacy of my brain
rushing water over brown hands
I have a new scar there too
these hands can’t wash away the memories
A wise man said, the memories remember me
and for me-they play on a reel
they just keep going-and so I can’t keep still
i am in need of something real
something that I can feel
because the peace I need, I’ve only found in pieces
through voice notes
through facetimes
through twitter rants
and through dreaming
I remember as a child I’d play make believe
because discovering an alternate world just made it easier to breathe
I am in need
And while it’s getting harder to swallow these pills
I promised myself, “I will not neglect me”
I choose to live
and while a major shift in my relationship feels hard to forgive
I choose to love, I choose to build
In need of a little romance and maybe even a good cry
There is so much left I’d like to do here
But taking things day by day is the only way I have managed to survive
It’s been almost 100 days like this
And sometimes the sun doesn’t shine
Still- there’s light
The rain endures for days
Still- there’s water
The clarity I hope for is like driving with wipers
I can see better
And bit by bit I hope to feel better
But today is just a day. And yeah, I’m Okay. For tomorrow? There’s really no tellin

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