A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
Sometimes you go through things in life that seem to derail you from your path so much that you wonder, what am I doing here? Like how did I get to this place and what is the purpose. What am I supposed to be doing. I know where I want to be but how do I get there. All of these things run through your mind and things can be incredibly discouraging. You start to feel like why am I alive. What have I done. Am I important. What am I doing that’s important. Especially with people all around you flaunting their accomplishments and successes everywhere you look.
In life there will always be obstacles. The struggle is the same as time progresses, however, there is a purpose through each struggle. And this purpose helps you to figure out who you are and what your ultimate purpose is, as well as gets you closer to God. Because your faith will be tested each time. You will be tried and tested and for some it’s a battle between doubt and worry. God wants to know that you will rely on him and seek refuge in him through anything. And mostly that you will put him first through everything.
So I’m telling you, let go of all of that nonsense.
Get free of all that bondage.
God got you.
So resilient she was born
with a fragile stamp mistakenly
placed on her forehead
And she has scars
But even the invisible wounds can’t tear her apart
From the start,
she fought with a strength
with a passion for life and with unwavering faith
She, in all her glory and clothed in all His grace
Short but tall
Frail yet strong
She will never fall
Come storms, come hail, come all enemies far and long
She won’t be broken
Because He lies within her
The hope and love needed to sustain
He provides it all so surely
she will be great
And she will recover all upon the break of dawn.
(Inspired by Psalm 46:5)
I’m really learning who I am in Christ.
I am Queen.
I am King.
Everywhere I go I will act as such.
From the clothes that I wear
To the food that I eat
I demand to be treated as no less than such because that’s really who I am.
I am humbled before God and committed to being a public servant and to help with the betterment of human kind. And though the only wealth I have is immaterial, I was born to be great and deserve the absolute best. I am so rich in character and so rich in quality.
I just needed to encourage myself, to make declarations because I have the power to do so by the grace of God, and I realized like I really deserve the best in this world. I am Queen.
And yeah, you should always be humble but you should walk with a confidence and an understanding of who you are and what you’ve inherited through the blood of Jesus Christ. Like I’m just so thankful for all the good things in my life like I would always feel down or insecure about how “little” I had but perspective is really reality. I am so blessed. So I will act accordingly. And once you know who you are you will feel the same comfort I feel and you won’t allow people to manipulate you or influence you to change. No, you’ll just be you and if they don’t like that then boo-who? boo them. Forreal like it’s not worth it to have negative people even close to your circle. As you start to figure out who you are your circles will too change accordingly. Until your surrounded by other Queens and other Kings.
I remember seriously struggling to learn and focus in the classroom when I was younger. I was in ESOL classes and lower level classes until I had this one teacher, Mrs. Penland, who stepped in and change my life. She was truly gifted at her job of teaching. She was also deeply passionate and took a real liking to myself and my family. So she would teach me after hours and even take me to her house sometimes and she really dedicated a lot of time to helping me prosper. Now this transition didn’t happen immediately, but I remember the time I got placed into Gifted and Talented (GT) classes. GT classes distinguished students with gifts and talents from those who were average or seemingly un-gifted or talented. Now when I think about the kind of division the schools I attended created it’s kind of sad because God has given us all unique gifts independent from one another. However, just as being placed in GT classes gave me great confidence in myself academically, I remember when I wasn’t in those classes and the derogatory feeling of hopelessness that overcame me. I felt like there was nothing special about me. I felt I’d never be good enough.
Well in Romans 12:6 it says that by the grace of God we each have a gift. Meaning God intentionally gave each of us a different gift on purpose and that we all play a very important role in our ultimate goal here on earth which is to spread the gospel of Christ and His love. Now understanding this, I see how negligent schools are in making students feel un-gifted or incompetent. And I think that’s one of the worse things you could do to a kid’s spirit. Its just an unrelenting crushing of self-esteem and confidence for years and years. If you tell a kid they’re a bad kid, they will produce badness for that is all that they can hear that they’re good at. Similarly, if you tell a kid they are good they will produce goodness because they can hear that they’re good at being good.
I was really compelled to dial up heavens hotlines today because I really do believe that I’m gifted and talented. Not because some school placed me there but because He placed it in my heart. I feel like I’m gifted at infecting love wherever I go and I’m talented at working with kids. Who knows, I might have 3,4,5,6 million other gifts. But I know that I’m special. And I’m really honored to have the gifts and talents that I do because, when you decide to use them and put them to use for good or the betterment of others, it feels so rewarding and fulfilling. I just hope people don’t let their gifts and talents to waste. Like Dr. Seuss said no one is youer than you, so why not do you and show everyone what you can do?
I’m dialing in now,
Because something painfully apparent had been revealed to me. I was so exhausted, heavy, practically a martyr, because I was so easily and intentionally influenced by my friends, my family, my teachers, all the people I know in the world. I have wanted them to shape me. And help me figure out who I am. By doing so, I have put them before me. Because my biggest joy was to be able to help someone with something as simple as making them smile or something as big as loaning them money I don’t really have.
The thing about God and prayer is that he will grant you all that you pray for; knowing this, I am comforted but also now realize I never knew what to pray about. I would just thank God for my life, ask for forgiveness from my wrongdoings and mostly I prayed for other people. But I rarely prayed for myself and my wants. Because I never really knew what I wanted for myself so I would just hope and pray that someone out there is also praying for me.
But man! I’m so done with all of that. I want to pray for me. I want to please me. I want to choose me for a change. Instead of wearing the fact, that I was always the last person to get chosen for a team for dodgeball; or that I was born under extenuating circumstances, as a badge of honor. I will humble myself. I will take delight in the lord and I’ll pray for me. This year, 2015,I choose me.
I wrote a piece called “The Knowledge of Good and Evil: Part 1” it is in a series of 3. Part 1 is about the internalized and brutal self-hatred a person may have for themselves and the uncovering of a facade. Part 2 is about the foreign self-love a person starts to consciously strive and long for with true joy in mind. Then the final, Part 3 is about forgiveness. The forgiveness of yourself. I am my toughest critic to the point where I once feared my own self and my capabilities. But now I no longer fear. I am calm and at peace with who I am today. I love who I am. I love me, for a change.
And I just love how God has been using me and my writing. It truly is a gift that I don’t take for granted. People admire me for my writing or my confidence or my perseverance and I know it’s not me that they see when they look admirably onto me. It is the light in me. He deserves all the glory. And I just want everyone to feel the love I feel. Cause it really all could be so simple…
As simple as that.
How much did you love and feel this
I woke up this morning not feeling well at all. I was attacked by all kinds of cold/flu symptoms! However, as I was being taken good care of by my love all I could think about was how blessed of a year this was. Love is what drove me and kept me happy. Mostly the Love of God and the Love of myself. It was an amazing year! I feel like I’m turning 1 year old because this was the first year that I went into where I declared that I was going to make my happiness a priority. And though I went through a lot this year, my spirits were high and remain strong. Stronger than ever. Every photo captured of me smiling this year was truly genuine. I was truly happy. So the following short posts will be brief reflections on my year. On my growth.
Now. I know unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. But anger. Anger is not something I’m familiar with because I rarely get angry but what I noticed is that when I do… I really really get angry. And I let it build up and up because my tolerance level is so high.
So after virtually blowing up last night, and reaching out to my dad at like 3am, he shed some brief but serious light on me. Anger does not solve anything. God says we should be slow to anger and I know that but I assumed since I wasn’t angry often then that still would count right? No. When I look at the advice he gave me it made so much sense. It was just like the poison analogy. I was the one to go to sleep angry and make all these angry snapchat stories and even had a dream about letting out my anger on the person in the situation.
Then I woke up to a beautiful quiet morning. And I found clarity. I realize that while I’m mature there are moments like these where I feel my rationale is that of a person more my age. Because I mean, I’m young and I’m learning. I’m learning and practicing, I guess is a better way to put it, how to deal with situations as a woman. I appreciate this experience for taking me 0-100 but then realizing shortly after that it doesn’t have to be all that. You should never let the actions of others impede upon your happiness. And me, I protect my happiness with a passion which is why I guess I’m shocked I blew up like I did. But again, one person can only take but so much I’m just glad I came out of this having learned something.
I’m a Public Health major with a particular interest in Mental Health. I thought my reasons for this was obvious (especially to ppl who know me) but it’s interesting not many people knew this about me. Well anyways, if you dontttttt know now ya know *biggie voice*
So I was in my multicultural health class and we were discussing why there aren’t a lot of mental health resources made available or that are covered under most insurances. This girl said something to the extent that “well I understand why mental health isn’t as invested in like physical health matters are concerned because they are more immediately dangerous to a persons health”
My head snapped up with a quickness and honestly it took a lot of strength and focus to channel my passion to use this moment as a learning opportunity for her instead of just blasting her. Because this is a fairly common belief.
But I found myself rambling. I felt like I didn’t have the right words or enough tools or knowledge to back me up when I told her I disagreed. But I basically told her, because people see an oozing gash of blood on someone’s head or a broken limb, it’s easy to sympathize with that person and take their injuries as ‘real’. Where as with mental health, besides some of the symptoms of disease/disorder you can’t really see the problem with just the naked eye. So because you can’t see the mental warfare it’s assumed this is not ‘real’. We really trust our eyes. In fact we live in a world where seeing is believing. You only believe it because you’ve seen it.
Now this made me rewind to back in the day when I was young and chipper and actually had a few athiest friends. They were smart and witty. And they thought critically of the world. So they’d ask these critical questions or we’d get into these long discussions about how I had no real evidence to prove my God exists. I’d be flustered thinking “just believe me I know!” especially because I knew even less about the bible then than I do now so I really [felt] I had no real tangible evidence. And these convos always left me feeling defeated. Like God’d be disappointed in how pathetically I was trying to represent him.
But like the mental health situation it’s like I started wondering… How do I know this is real? Well I feel like it’s similar to asking a person how they know they’re in love. Your heart just knows.
Yes, there is a physical presence of God in my life. Like I can physically see how I’m blessed if I’m measuring by oh idk the fact that I woke up this morning or that taxi driver giving me a free ride when I was broke and stranded with no money. I know that’s God, however, for the most part it’s because my heart just knows. Because no one has ever seen him.
And when you love someone it’s hard to explain why because it’s like your heart just knows. I was talking to a friend about what God means to me and it was hard. It was like just like they teach you in school the basic essentials in life are food, water, shelter well for me i’d include God. Why? Because I can’t make it through my next breath alone without him. He’s in any and everything and I just feel like a lot of religious ppl go about spreading their faith to others the wrong way. Since we live in this world where seeing is believing just let them see God in you. Light through you. Then it’s up to them to believe if it’s real.
I rolled over in bed at 9 AM this morning to my obnoxiously loud alarm labeled “Wake up Sua & Thank God (prayer hands emoji)” and I must have hit snooze about a million times. I felt physically paralyzed. Normally I wake up, thank God, look out the window and get on with my day. But… There was something different about today. I could not move from my bed. I was furious with God that he’d managed to wake me up to a new day, only it didn’t feel so new, as I had a lot of work and errands waiting for me to tackle this Monday.
My life has changed a lot over the past couple of years, particularly this last year. Actually a year ago today, I was baptized. This was a huge stepping stone in my life. I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember, initially I just inherited my father’s faith, but as I grew older I personalized it and really developed my own relationship with God. I’ve also been a Sinner for as long as I can remember. From stealing 25 cent packs of Big Red gum from the store as a child to drinking and smoking into adulthood… yeah, I’ve always been a sinner. But this past year was different. I felt renewed in spirit. I felt alive. I felt free. Most importantly, and for the first time in a long while, I was genuinely happy. I’d grown closer to God in these brief 12 months than I’d ever in my 22 years of breathing.
But as I woke up to a terrible morning, generally dreading the day, feeling similar to how I’d felt not too long ago when I was living in dark times… I realized that though I’d strengthened my relationship with God, went to church, prayer meetings & even read His word on a consistent basis for the past year; I also hadn’t turned away from the sinful habits I’d normalized for years. And this lack of change has halted my spiritual growth. Has left my heart feeling heavier. And I only just had this lightbulb moment after talking to my best friend, Shakila, about God as our strength and joy. I realized I don’t feel as happy and renewed as I did a year ago. Though my mentor told me she’s seen more “light in my eyes” after returning to DC to finish school. I believe that light has now dimmed. So I ask myself “Why?”
Well see, real change is incredibly difficult. Shakila once told me that living a sinful life when you were trying to walk with God is like having your left foot pointing to the west and your right foot to the east, and still expecting to be able to walk. You can’t! But of course, I’m young and I’m learning so I figured if I dabble in a little of this or that… God would still love me. My old pastor told me that real repentance and forgiveness came from “turning away from old deeds and committing to a personal change of habit/actions in order to live a better life.” All this time I’d thought if I kept screwing up, If I apologized and asked for forgiveness when I prayed to God, I’d be forgiven. But then I’d eventually do it again after promising “that was the last time.” I feel like this is really common behavior. And the intentions may be good but I’m learning that it’s just not sufficient. I have to be diligent. I have to be consistent. This is important to me.
So after being able to identify where I’m lacking and in an attempt to re-sustain my spiritual strength and happiness regardless of the circumstances or obstacles life will throw my way, I introduce to you “Heaven’s Hotlines.” Heaven’s Hotlines is a series of poems, ramblings, stories I’ve committed myself to writing every Sunday of the past year. I really dedicated myself to this fairly consistently but sometimes I write them in my composition book, phones notes, sticky notes, margins etc. So I just want to create one space where they will all be. Also so I can keep record of my spiritual growth. In this series I’m completely vulnerable. My idea for them is to be as transparent as possible and just real. I just write about how I feel. If you we’re hip to my old Blogspot, expect them to be similar to my “Cool Story Bro: Rambling” posts. In my mind, this is what I’d imagine it’d be like if I could call heaven and have a conversation with God or at least an angel about life, doubts, struggles, successes etc.
So here’s to an introduction to me. This side of me. Many of you know me as a writer, but this will provide a more specific and more focused lens into my life (also my writing has gotten heaps better since blogspot days). So all are welcome to join me on this journey, get to know me, laugh at me, laugh with me, learn from me, learn with me. I’m really excited about this!
And this is just the beginning.