Tag Archives: light

To My Future Valentine

Our love would model the universal design of loving
This love will require visuals, music, bold print,
aromatherapy, magnetic sand, highlighters, graphic organizers,
manipulatives, accommodations
modifications even
You’d love me like slow cooking soul food
And yes some times it would require headphones
low lights, candles and a soft touch
You would rub my scalp and play with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck
We’d laugh together mostly but know when to be serious and express the depths of the truths in our heads
We’d play rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s turn it was to do the dishes next
And sometimes I’d just let you win
And you’d end up helping me dry and put them away anyways
You’d hold the door for me
You’d compliment me
And would never forget a “thank you”
Yes, my love, we’d love
The sort of love where I could see my life in your eyes
Not my future life
Not a bigger house
Not a new job
Not even some future kids
But I’d see you seeing me and loving me for who I am
Right now
Not for what I can be
Not for what I can give
And we’d nurture that love and keep growing and growing it in the same direction together
Because we prepared for this
Yes, AI, we are talking about practice
We have practiced
Look at your palms beloved,
You see those two lines that start out separate and then join into one very thick, intertwined line?
That is us…that is our story
Lord knows how many lovers and losses it cost us
It scarred us
But my future valentine,
I would heal you with the water
And you would heal me with the earth
My interests and passions would matter
Not necessarily because you share the same ones but because you’d be so enamored at how I light up doing what I love
And I’d study you
I’d take the time to learn your love language and so would you
until our love became fluently bilingual
My love,
I would shower you with the live sony orchestra version of my hearts song
Spatial audio of course so you’d hear all the strings, drums, keys, the guitar
you’d notice that this,
this was your song all along
A song you’d innately been humming the same melody to although you thought the tune was gone
We’d both bring bags of our own life’s traumas… that yeah, we need to sort through
but we’d keep them in the garage so that nothing would come in between us
Our best would fluctuate each day
Some days we’d finish each others sentences and do something spontaneous
Other days we’d be doing our own things, alone, but always together;
somehow connected
We’d communicate
And we’d both want it to be this way
With such a giving spirit, we’d generously fill each others cups
We’d be overflowing
We’d be the something sweet after dinner
We’d be the electrolytes the next day after drinking
We’d be like when that one cafeteria lady would give you a little extra gravy on those mashed potatoes we’d eat in school during thanksgiving season
We would always be swaying
When we are out doing our own thing nobody would ever ask you “where’s ab?” Because they’d see me right there inside of you
Vibrating
We’d spend all of our days loving completely and learning when to pivot
When to adjust
When to go harder
When to maintenance
When to kiss each other all over
When to practice patience
When to be quiet
When one of us just needs to sit in silence under the covers
When one of us is hungover
When one of us just needs to be around some love
When enough is enough
We’d be there
And we’d never have to beg
We’d never have to go too long without each other
I’d never be ashamed of my disorders because even with all that I come with, your hands are large enough to hold on
we’d love freely,
open and honest

Yes love, this is the sort of love that lives in my head.
So I wrote it down so I can manifest it into my reality instead.

Sweeping In The Room

let it out
wailing really
snot flowing as you release deep tears
cry out loud 
let it out
let it go
there’s a reason for how things flow
there is also a calling
a calling for me
a calling for you 
a calling for more 
but what is surrounding you?
why can’t you move on?
holding on to the pain
the same pain that was supposed to teach 
you how to feel again
the pain that woke you up to the reality of who you are
of where you are
the pain that consumes and convinces you 
that you don’t belong here
and you have nothing of value
did you forget who’s you are?
that defeating mindset 
didn’t you know that that pain was supposed to change you?
Something is shifting
Change is coming
you are set apart
you can’t be where everybody be
do what everybody do
eat what everybody eat 
and move how everybody move
instead 
you are a vessel
you will be used
you can be new
there is a message
deep within you God has been nearing
he has been molding 
twisting and turning
brewing and stewing in you 
don’t act like you don’t feel it too 
for every time that you were rejected
disrespected
taken advantage of…
He’s been right there, all along
why can’t you accept Him?
let everything else go
let it go
let his presence fill your room
and his healing sweep it clean
all those things you’ve been used to
the things you lean on
the habits you know don’t serve you
can’t serve you
won’t you let it go?
wont you try something new?
won’t you free yourself
from Him is where you’ll find your help
If only you’d open up your eyes
why won’t you take the time to understand the signs
Discern the way that you move in this world
There is a frequency beyond 
So get ready
Be prepared 
sharpen your spirits eye
and let God

Laugh Til We Cry

A, bb appreciation prose 🌹

The Life of The Band-Aid

Recently, I have been showered in words of affirmation
As if I’m a magical being, from a magical space
People have poured out beautiful words
that have completely elevated my appreciation for who I am
I have been told anything between “you have a beautiful mind” to “I wish I had a you”
This has touched me, deeply
Not in a “this is new to me” sort of way more so a “you see me”
-Sort of way
It is easy to feel invisible when you feel that your life’s purpose is to help others
Be there
Aid others
And it seems that when they see you all they tend to see you for is how you can help
________________________________________________
This is the life of a band-aid
A natural supporter of anything good and everything they love
We are the band aid’s
The ones who show up
The ones who spend countless of unaccounted hours holding on
Pouring
And listening
Always listening
We are the band aid’s
the one’s you keep behind your mirror in the bathroom
For the just “in case’s”
But do you ever wonder, that band-aid’s might need band aid’s too?
As much of an honor it is to be one- we all need one
To be there
To kiss and make things all better
To receive love that they don’t have to ask for
To be held without having to instruct on how to hold
We, the band-aid’s
We do not need to be told
We identify pain
We offer support
We do not wait
_________________________________________
Can you imagine how much pain, and breaking and ripping and tearing
Shedding and molding and failing that it took for that band aid to even become?
How many times did the adhesive fall off
How many times did the water wash us away
The band aid is a blend of all the things people wish they could be
Society holds band-aids in the highest of esteem
But much like public school teachers
so few ever choose to remain
Because it is a thankless position
You are celebrated for being there, because the need is endless
Things get really tough a lot
and it is the band aid that does the hard work
The ugly work
The heavy lifting
But all cuts
Both in the deep and in the shallow-all heal in time
They all stop bleeding, eventually
And for a few moments, that band aid mends anything that may have tried to break you
It quite literally supports you so fiercely that it helps you to piece yourself back together
But what happens to the band aid?
It gets dirty
It gets soggy
It gets old
And then it gets discarded
Often before the cut even fully heals it gets replaced
__________________________________________________________
I am the band aid
I have always been the band-aid
It costs me nothing to love you
I find it easy to be there for you
I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
I am a giver.
In this life, it is important to identify what it is you practice
Because you get really good at anything you practice
As a band aid, I practice giving and gratitude
I practice unconditional love
Whether that love is reciprocal or not, it is what I practice
And I practice for free.
So that I can give for free.
I believe that you get what you give
I want unconditional love
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice vulnerability
It is all I have every wanted
I practice empathy
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice transparency
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice honesty
It is all I have every wanted
And most of all I practice joy

It is everything.

I am committed to healing myself
My nurturing and healing qualities allow me to be there
And I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
Anyone that I love and believe in, it is easy to love you
It is easy math for me to be there
I manifested the person I want to be

And I know that I will receive everything I need and deserve, eventually

Free Falling

I find myself wandering about

fading in and out of daydreams

snippets of things imagined, things unseen

things that haven’t happened yet, things between you and me

 

And I wonder for a split second could this be?

Could we both be falling

for the wrong thing…

 

Yet some time ago I couldn’t feel a thing

numb to the idea of my heart pulsating for anyone

then you stormed into my life

Water-falling me into complete submission

Cascading your presence into my daily consumption

 

You remind me that the moon knows when to shine and the sun surely rises

I wake to your face and its smiling

Is this a dream?

Cause sometimes it feels like I’m flying.

 

Even if only for a second

I have to finally accept that

You are permanently ingrained in my grey matter

my eyes flicker at the hope, at the sheer potential of

A reflection of myself fading deep within your iris.

 

 

 

 

The Lamar Odom’s of the World

I’m concerned for the life of Lamar Odom and the perception of what he is going through. Mental health is so stigmatized and ignored that it becomes volcanic in the sense that people rarely pay attention until things have erupted. We have watched this man struggle with traumatic events and drugs for years now. But we’ve ignored a silent cry that our ears haven’t been conditioned to be able to hear.
I hope people aren’t deceived to believe that the drugs are the problem. It’s a by-product of the problem that has been suppressed by himself likely as a result of the culture and disregard for mental health issues in society. Like who does a person turn to? Better yet how do you translate a plethora of feelings and emotions in your mind and communicate that to someone who could potentially help? It’s instances like this that I’m reminded of my passion for bringing awareness to mental health. I want to create a space where people don’t feel alone. Where people can talk and recieve resources. It’s too important. I want to target the youth so that the generations behind me may have better opportunities of dealing with mental health as real and getting the help they deserve.
I told my dream to just a few people. It’s very specific. And I find myself becoming more eager to achieve it. The dream is becoming more detailed and vivid with each story like Lamar Odom’s coming to the surface. Mental health issues are real and can result in the end of someone’s life. I don’t want the world to wait anymore until people die. It’s tough going through anything mentally but there are precautionary actions we can take to help people everyday with their mental health and therapists and prescriptions don’t always have to be the only answer.
I’m dreaming of a substantial change in our culture. A simple smile, compliment, conversation could go a long way. I’m not saying it might work wonders medically but that there’s the potential that if we encourage our society to be more open to one another and make it more acceptable to not be okay sometimes and feel able to express that then we’re making a major step. I asked a guy on the metro “How are you feeling today?” And he looked at me like I was crazy. Like 1. Who actually talks to strangers on the metro? and 2. You care about how I’m doing today? Bizarre. I could tell it took him back a bit and I’m thinking why is this not normal. We have conditioned our people to suppress suppress suppress and get deeper and deeper into ourselves to the point where we have successfully isolated a population of people who are not ok to suffer in silence.
Ah man.

I just want better. I want little black and brown kids like me especially to know that you don’t have to just suck it up. You don’t have to deal with it on your own. You don’t have to be okay all the time. Vulnerability and weakness are not synonymous. There’s hope through each and every hardship. Life does not have to be this spiraling staircase downwards into this dark and scary place where it’s just you. There’s light. And I want to help spread that light.
For my senior capstone I’m a part of a group taking the initiative to teach 3rd-5th grade students about their mental health and stress. Not in a very sciency/serious/complicated way. It’s just teaching them about different emotions and how there are no bad emotions but life is about balancing those emotions and using healthy coping mechanisms throughout your different circumstances. I don’t think I’ve ever done a more important project than this one I’m about to produce. It’s too important. Life is too valuable and too precious to continue to let people suffer and suffer and suffer. Someone has to care. Someone had to do something. It’s too important.