A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
Recently, I have been showered in words of affirmation
As if I’m a magical being, from a magical space
People have poured out beautiful words
that have completely elevated my appreciation for who I am
I have been told anything between “you have a beautiful mind” to “I wish I had a you”
This has touched me, deeply
Not in a “this is new to me” sort of way more so a “you see me”
-Sort of way
It is easy to feel invisible when you feel that your life’s purpose is to help others
And it seems that when they see you all they tend to see you for is how you can help
This is the life of a band-aid
A natural supporter of anything good and everything they love
We are the band aid’s
The ones who show up
The ones who spend countless of unaccounted hours holding on
We are the band aid’s
the one’s you keep behind your mirror in the bathroom
For the just “in case’s”
But do you ever wonder, that band-aid’s might need band aid’s too?
As much of an honor it is to be one- we all need one
To be there
To kiss and make things all better
To receive love that they don’t have to ask for
To be held without having to instruct on how to hold
We, the band-aid’s
We do not need to be told
We identify pain
We offer support
We do not wait
Can you imagine how much pain, and breaking and ripping and tearing
Shedding and molding and failing that it took for that band aid to even become?
How many times did the adhesive fall off
How many times did the water wash us away
The band aid is a blend of all the things people wish they could be
Society holds band-aids in the highest of esteem
But much like public school teachers
so few ever choose to remain
Because it is a thankless position
You are celebrated for being there, because the need is endless
Things get really tough a lot
and it is the band aid that does the hard work
The ugly work
The heavy lifting
But all cuts
Both in the deep and in the shallow-all heal in time
They all stop bleeding, eventually
And for a few moments, that band aid mends anything that may have tried to break you
It quite literally supports you so fiercely that it helps you to piece yourself back together
But what happens to the band aid?
It gets dirty
It gets soggy
It gets old
And then it gets discarded
Often before the cut even fully heals it gets replaced
I am the band aid
I have always been the band-aid
It costs me nothing to love you
I find it easy to be there for you
I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
I am a giver.
In this life, it is important to identify what it is you practice
Because you get really good at anything you practice
As a band aid, I practice giving and gratitude
I practice unconditional love
Whether that love is reciprocal or not, it is what I practice
And I practice for free.
So that I can give for free.
I believe that you get what you give
I want unconditional love
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice vulnerability
It is all I have every wanted
I practice empathy
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice transparency
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice honesty
It is all I have every wanted
And most of all I practice joy
It is everything.
I am committed to healing myself
My nurturing and healing qualities allow me to be there
And I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
Anyone that I love and believe in, it is easy to love you
It is easy math for me to be there
I manifested the person I want to be
And I know that I will receive everything I need and deserve, eventually
I find myself wandering about
fading in and out of daydreams
snippets of things imagined, things unseen
things that haven’t happened yet, things between you and me
And I wonder for a split second could this be?
Could we both be falling
for the wrong thing…
Yet some time ago I couldn’t feel a thing
numb to the idea of my heart pulsating for anyone
then you stormed into my life
Water-falling me into complete submission
Cascading your presence into my daily consumption
You remind me that the moon knows when to shine and the sun surely rises
I wake to your face and its smiling
Is this a dream?
Cause sometimes it feels like I’m flying.
Even if only for a second
I have to finally accept that
You are permanently ingrained in my grey matter
my eyes flicker at the hope, at the sheer potential of
A reflection of myself fading deep within your iris.
I’m concerned for the life of Lamar Odom and the perception of what he is going through. Mental health is so stigmatized and ignored that it becomes volcanic in the sense that people rarely pay attention until things have erupted. We have watched this man struggle with traumatic events and drugs for years now. But we’ve ignored a silent cry that our ears haven’t been conditioned to be able to hear.
I hope people aren’t deceived to believe that the drugs are the problem. It’s a by-product of the problem that has been suppressed by himself likely as a result of the culture and disregard for mental health issues in society. Like who does a person turn to? Better yet how do you translate a plethora of feelings and emotions in your mind and communicate that to someone who could potentially help? It’s instances like this that I’m reminded of my passion for bringing awareness to mental health. I want to create a space where people don’t feel alone. Where people can talk and recieve resources. It’s too important. I want to target the youth so that the generations behind me may have better opportunities of dealing with mental health as real and getting the help they deserve.
I told my dream to just a few people. It’s very specific. And I find myself becoming more eager to achieve it. The dream is becoming more detailed and vivid with each story like Lamar Odom’s coming to the surface. Mental health issues are real and can result in the end of someone’s life. I don’t want the world to wait anymore until people die. It’s tough going through anything mentally but there are precautionary actions we can take to help people everyday with their mental health and therapists and prescriptions don’t always have to be the only answer.
I’m dreaming of a substantial change in our culture. A simple smile, compliment, conversation could go a long way. I’m not saying it might work wonders medically but that there’s the potential that if we encourage our society to be more open to one another and make it more acceptable to not be okay sometimes and feel able to express that then we’re making a major step. I asked a guy on the metro “How are you feeling today?” And he looked at me like I was crazy. Like 1. Who actually talks to strangers on the metro? and 2. You care about how I’m doing today? Bizarre. I could tell it took him back a bit and I’m thinking why is this not normal. We have conditioned our people to suppress suppress suppress and get deeper and deeper into ourselves to the point where we have successfully isolated a population of people who are not ok to suffer in silence.
I just want better. I want little black and brown kids like me especially to know that you don’t have to just suck it up. You don’t have to deal with it on your own. You don’t have to be okay all the time. Vulnerability and weakness are not synonymous. There’s hope through each and every hardship. Life does not have to be this spiraling staircase downwards into this dark and scary place where it’s just you. There’s light. And I want to help spread that light.
For my senior capstone I’m a part of a group taking the initiative to teach 3rd-5th grade students about their mental health and stress. Not in a very sciency/serious/complicated way. It’s just teaching them about different emotions and how there are no bad emotions but life is about balancing those emotions and using healthy coping mechanisms throughout your different circumstances. I don’t think I’ve ever done a more important project than this one I’m about to produce. It’s too important. Life is too valuable and too precious to continue to let people suffer and suffer and suffer. Someone has to care. Someone had to do something. It’s too important.
Note: Best read while listening to Yiruma’s “River Flows in You” in the background. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7maJOI3QMu0)
I always think about what I want to be remembered for.
I don’t want my life to be measured by my accomplishments. My failures. My struggles.
I want it to be measured by the imprint I’ve left in the hearts of others.
I want to be unforgettably known for something good.
I’m not perfect just like everyone I know, but
When I think about the people I will never forget
The people who have helped to shape me into the Sua I am today,
I am humbled and eternally grateful.
And most importantly I want to be what they were to me for somebody else
There’s a river inside of us all.
A vast, deep, blue river with living-flowing water
This river can symbolize many things but most importantly for me
This river was given to us by grace alone.
And it’s such a beautiful thing.
To float in that love.
To swim, and bask and be kissed by the reflection of light in this water.
It’s so refreshing I feel like how could you go through life and not experience this?
I feel a duty to spread this.
My deepest desire in life is to release this river inside of me to do the most amount of Good that I can.
When I think about some of my best friends, teachers, mentors—
People who have this light in them, I try to figure out how it is that they’ve rubbed off on me? How have they managed to touch my life in such indescribable ways?
Because they poured some of their river into me that helped me to build the me I wanna be.
It’s a beautiful thing man, this life
and how we are all ultimately connected by this energy.
So how do we let the river flow so that it will continue to live and grow wherever it goes?
It’s through you and your ability to be transparent enough that it shines through.
Through your words and your actions and your personality.
Let it flow consistently.
Be easy, and just let it flow wherever it is that you go.
I sit here half-way curled in the warmth of my comforter, eating almonds, drinking cranberry juice, reflecting on my past week. Wow, this was one hell of a week!
The end of Kanye West’s “Who will Survive in America?”- has been ringing in my mental like nonstop. It can get hard out here.
That rain got a lot worse in my life after I wrote that last post, and I went through a full hurricane and I guess the best place to describe where I am right now is in the eye of the storm. Today was the 3rd time this week I’d read or heard someone reference how in the world we will have tribulations but in God we will have peace. Since I am in both currently, it’s like I have front row seats to watch as this storm attempts to plow through my life right now. I just smiled writing that. Because I feel joy. I feel peace. I really do. And even this girl recognized that in me this past week, she commended me for persevering through at least the school related struggles I was going through this past week. That acknowledgement felt good. Because
There’s always been a lot of noise in my life. But I never knew how to regulate the volume. And so the drama and chaos would be blasting in my life and instead of trying to turn it down I was used to trying to cover my ears and just live through it. But today I’m thankful for growth and i’m thankful for the maturation that has allowed me to be the strongest version of Sua I’ve ever been in life. I just hesitated to type that for fear of being too dramatic (which apparently I am often) but no seriously! I’m not broken. considering all that is happening around me I have not been shaken. The reason is obvious. It’s the God in all of us and his grace that gets us through each day so I feel a lot better this Sunday. I feel a lot more sure, I feel a lot more safe. Ha, Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody” just came on shuffle. I love this song! It will never get old. We all need somebody. And I’m learning what my father meant when he told my younger self that “You don’t need friends.”
All I’ve really ever had was friends so I couldn’t understand what he meant. He wasn’t saying you don’t need people or that you will make it through life humanly on your own but he was trying to teach me to not depend on friends or “men” like we’re taught from the bible. People will disappoint. So much of our world and relationships are temporary so I’m now realizing how much more important that relationship with him is. It’s amazing. There’s a Jay-z line that goes “Life is a trip so sometimes you gon stumble… you gotta go trough pain in order to become you” and I love that line because its so true. It does suck having to go through pain and darkness to learn certain lessons, but one day it’l all make sense. it all shapes you and one day you’ll be grateful at how things played out exactly according to plan, good and bad included.
looking forward to next week and the holiday! Brighter days are on the horizon.