Since We’re Being Honest w/ T. Ali
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Laugh Til We Cry
A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
The Life of The Band-Aid
Recently, I have been showered in words of affirmation
As if I’m a magical being, from a magical space
People have poured out beautiful words
that have completely elevated my appreciation for who I am
I have been told anything between “you have a beautiful mind” to “I wish I had a you”
This has touched me, deeply
Not in a “this is new to me” sort of way more so a “you see me”
-Sort of way
It is easy to feel invisible when you feel that your life’s purpose is to help others
Be there
Aid others
And it seems that when they see you all they tend to see you for is how you can help
________________________________________________
This is the life of a band-aid
A natural supporter of anything good and everything they love
We are the band aid’s
The ones who show up
The ones who spend countless of unaccounted hours holding on
Pouring
And listening
Always listening
We are the band aid’s
the one’s you keep behind your mirror in the bathroom
For the just “in case’s”
But do you ever wonder, that band-aid’s might need band aid’s too?
As much of an honor it is to be one- we all need one
To be there
To kiss and make things all better
To receive love that they don’t have to ask for
To be held without having to instruct on how to hold
We, the band-aid’s
We do not need to be told
We identify pain
We offer support
We do not wait
_________________________________________
Can you imagine how much pain, and breaking and ripping and tearing
Shedding and molding and failing that it took for that band aid to even become?
How many times did the adhesive fall off
How many times did the water wash us away
The band aid is a blend of all the things people wish they could be
Society holds band-aids in the highest of esteem
But much like public school teachers
so few ever choose to remain
Because it is a thankless position
You are celebrated for being there, because the need is endless
Things get really tough a lot
and it is the band aid that does the hard work
The ugly work
The heavy lifting
But all cuts
Both in the deep and in the shallow-all heal in time
They all stop bleeding, eventually
And for a few moments, that band aid mends anything that may have tried to break you
It quite literally supports you so fiercely that it helps you to piece yourself back together
But what happens to the band aid?
It gets dirty
It gets soggy
It gets old
And then it gets discarded
Often before the cut even fully heals it gets replaced
__________________________________________________________
I am the band aid
I have always been the band-aid
It costs me nothing to love you
I find it easy to be there for you
I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
I am a giver.
In this life, it is important to identify what it is you practice
Because you get really good at anything you practice
As a band aid, I practice giving and gratitude
I practice unconditional love
Whether that love is reciprocal or not, it is what I practice
And I practice for free.
So that I can give for free.
I believe that you get what you give
I want unconditional love
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice vulnerability
It is all I have every wanted
I practice empathy
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice transparency
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice honesty
It is all I have every wanted
And most of all I practice joy
It is everything.
I am committed to healing myself
My nurturing and healing qualities allow me to be there
And I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
Anyone that I love and believe in, it is easy to love you
It is easy math for me to be there
I manifested the person I want to be
And I know that I will receive everything I need and deserve, eventually
Dialing: The Golden Birthday
I am a story teller. Because i believe that we all have a story worthy of being told. To be here still, after all these years, is a miracle. I’m very blessed. I’m very thankful. Life is so so precious. And our time here is fleeting. I choose to enjoy every moment. I choose to cherish everyone I hold near to me. I choose to not live in fear. I choose to lead with love. I choose to only be surrounded by love. I choose to forgive. I choose to keep learning. Keep growing. I choose. And we are all a reflection of our choices. This year proved to me that my growth and strength have really increased. The storm always comes, but my ability to adapt- I must say. I impress myself. I’ve recovered from things that just a few years ago would have completely debilitated me. For that, I’m grateful. So anyways, I reflect on a daily basis but especially on my birthday. It’s an opportunity for new life and better things. I wish myself more of the good things. More discernment with how I spend my time and with who. I wish myself more discipline to achieve more goals. More travels! More memories with my loves. I wish myself even more peace of mind. Kindness to my reflection. Less “sorry’s” for being who I am. More appreciation of my life’s challenges. More wisdom to navigate the ups and downs. And most importantly a deeper acceptance of the fact that i am so deserving of joy, love and compassion from myself and from others.
I’m so blessed to see the day I turned 28 on the 28th on a Sunday. The symmetry and significance is too important. Who would’ve thought.
Way We Love
“we love the way we do because we tell the truth”
a beautiful affirmation sent between brown lips
the same lips they used to defile us
the same lips that we heal wounds with
our hugs are like Scriptures
reflections of the love of our creator
this bond is proof of black existence
we pull up to a red light and laugh and dance with black girls in the cars on the left
in those same cars, wave hi and flash our white tiles at black boys in the cars to the right
we love and we fight
our words are powerful but they are not the only things that heal us
we are who we say we are
even when we disagree, we end the night with a tight embrace
pouring our love back into one another
in a flicker of rage, an outburst of displaced emotion
we do not hesitate to not only apologize but acknowledge where we made the mistake
we take our time
time means a lot to us so we do not waste
yes we go in between time, days, sometimes months
our communication style is not conventional
still, a love like ours is unconditional
we pick back up right where we left off
like continuing a Netflix show
and we rarely have to rochambeaux to work through our differences
because the grace that lives within us requires no thing of the sort
it is not always sweet-and it is almost never easy
but we have practiced
failed again and practiced
we are still growing but
“we love the way we do because we tell the truth”
there is no hiding
no suppressed passive aggression, or silent competition between one another
we are lovers, and we are friends
always friends, always lovers
there is no mask suffocating who we really are
in fact, I know you like I know my name
we keep no secrets
even the things we do not yet know
are just that much more we have to explore, together
and when we look in the mirror
there we are, reflecting that blinding light
we don’t walk in this world projecting our insecurities on others
searching for someone to blame
we recognize and work through our pain
we know we have more growth to go, but ultimately we surrender to the sky above
meditating with “I am not who I once was”
plenty of journey to go
no paralyzing fear can keep us from being seen
because we love
the way we love, we love
because we really do
the beautiful parts and all the darkness
we see it all and we love it all
we stand and sometimes we fall, we miss calls, txts
regress with an ex, sometimes we lose money
with some of the wrong people we have slept
but still we own it
we all have the right to be who we are
“we love the way we do because we tell the truth”
that is the common thread
good, bad, ugly or ashamed
we’re honest
we have always been who we say we are
Heaven’s Hotlines: Summer 2020
The masses frantically buying toilet paper clorox is scarce. hand sanitizer is even more rare.
everywhere there are masks, hiding my favorite feature
on every channel, every story, every tweet
an affirmation:
black lives matter
And it’s true
changing my fb profile picture to the same black square I protested with in 2014 reminds me
I’ve been here before
a whole lot of heartache, headaches now too
and i just long for outside
the release of the mask from behind my ears
makes me wish for a space to feel full again
I’ve been blowing bubbles
I’ve been reading
I’ve been cooking
And sometimes not eating
I’ve been walking
I’ve been teaching
I’ve been taking baths
Drinking green tea
And I’ve spent hours talking to my dad
And Netflix binging
but isn’t there more?
more than this?
Connecting from cellphones and WiFi and TV
I miss the street
I miss the ground that reminds me that I belong here
Solid and safe
my size 4.5’s walked confidently
now sometimes my ankles buckle at the thought that
this earth is cracking
crumbling into oblivion
and that I could lose the me that i’ve worked so tirelessly at creating
now I’m just looking for something to hold on to
I’d like for someone to hold on to me too
my security blanket, a harness just in case
I’ve been looking for a smile in my smile
mirroring the me I used to know but can’t see
So I’d like a pair of brand new eyes
And a new view too
Cause it took a lot to get here
A lot of building, A lot of falling
A lot of growing, A lot of trauma
A lot of consistency, A lot of pain
A lot of rising from the rubble
And yet, life’s mysteries never fail to remind me of the delicacy of my brain
rushing water over brown hands
I have a new scar there too
these hands can’t wash away the memories
A wise man said, the memories remember me
and for me-they play on a reel
they just keep going-and so I can’t keep still
i am in need of something real
something that I can feel
because the peace I need, I’ve only found in pieces
through voice notes
through facetimes
through twitter rants
and through dreaming
I remember as a child I’d play make believe
because discovering an alternate world just made it easier to breathe
I am in need
And while it’s getting harder to swallow these pills
I promised myself, “I will not neglect me”
I choose to live
and while a major shift in my relationship feels hard to forgive
I choose to love, I choose to build
In need of a little romance and maybe even a good cry
There is so much left I’d like to do here
But taking things day by day is the only way I have managed to survive
It’s been almost 100 days like this
And sometimes the sun doesn’t shine
Still- there’s light
The rain endures for days
Still- there’s water
The clarity I hope for is like driving with wipers
I can see better
And bit by bit I hope to feel better
But today is just a day. And yeah, I’m Okay. For tomorrow? There’s really no tellin
10k hours and 10k memories
The black, curly, windshield lashes of my eyes-wiping tears away
Each and every time I drove past my uncles street for months I could never hold it in
Triggered-
Some years ago, I wrote one of my favorite pieces called “Life’s Nutrients” it was inspired by a visit to my uncles place and his showing my dad and I around his blossoming garden-full of peppers and melons. Okra and strawberries. Tomatoes and berries. He nurtured and grew in his back yard every year. He’d always share not only with us but also with his neighbors.
Every time I saw him I would always laugh, eat and enjoy good conversation. That day was one of my favorite visits to his home and there were many.
My dad always tells the story about when my siblings and I were all very young. Like babies. there was a very bad blizzard but we needed milk and diapers;
My uncle walked I think like 30 minutes each way there and back in the blizzard to get what we needed
I love this story because it’s just a snapshot memory of the essence of the sort of person he was
Last year, end of May, his life ended
In his home
A home he’s lived in for over 25 years
A home I always admired the ceilings in because they had sparkly spikes and it was mesmerizing
A home I ate so many plantain, Yam and stew in
A home my dad found shelter and safety in
On many occasions
I know what it’s like to lose
To miss someone who isn’t coming back
Last year I experienced what it felt like to lose someone so very close
Feels like just yesterday chilling in his house in his Gucci sweatshirt and sweats and slippers cracking jokes about the current president
That was the last day I saw him
I remember my uncle used to alter a lot of my clothes and for free
Always for free
He teared up and thanked me in Twi, the day I gave him a thank you card when I picked up my things
I thought it was the least I could do
He taught me so much about how important it is to be grateful
And to be a good person
One of integrity
Last year, some of my closest friends organized some time
To spend with a deeply grieving me
I was so sad
Buried in grief
So unlike myself
And they surrounded me in love
We never talked about why we were all there that day
And we didn’t need to
We danced and laughed
I still wish I had the appetite to eat all that seafood
We shared drinks
And we just plugged into the moment
That helped launch me out of the pits
And it meant a lot to me that I knew people
Who chose to spend their time on me
Time we will never get back
It’s urgent to me
To spend time
Not just physical time
minimum time
required time
obligated time
scheduled time
planned time
but intentional and quality time
with people I love
It means the most to me
Because we don’t know what will happen
in any other moment than the moment that we are in
Anything can happen
So I don’t take it for granted
Often, I reflect on my journey
journey of self love, self care, healing, growth and awareness
and sometimes I feel like the only one
The only one who can feel the changes
The only one who felt the bandages fall away
The only one who can see the scars
The only one who experienced such a great pain
The only one doing it on her own
The only one who’ll even acknowledge the progress and growth at all
Life gets really hard
Sometimes we will grow weary
But I’ve grown to keep love and only love near me
The thing about grief is that it never ends really
You just shift through cycles
It just becomes a part of you
So please excuse me when I’m in a bad mood
And I can’t quite explain it
And please, show me love even when it’s not my birthday
Cause I see things differently
If you’re important
I need you to feel special and loved
Especially by me
I thought my uncle would live forever
He survived so much already
But man, anything can happen!
And I don’t wanna die all alone
This world is so cruel
So take the time to say your grace
Take the time to hug your friends
Take the time
Until there’s no more time left
love in retrospect
hopped in the car
On a night
with no stars
Riding shot gun
Yes, me and you
Everything is closed
we gon find something to do
Look at you
I love the way
We just bust ass
in that game of uno
They all thought that we were in kahoots
Cause they knew that you were my boo boo
We stay outside
Mosquitos all in the area
But we fear no malaria
This love it will carry us
To the next seven eleven
Sippin slurpees
Brain freeze
Know your favorite is cherry but
Let me introduce you
To French kisses and hickeys
I remember the first time I met you I was scared of ya
We met on a summer day
But that look you gave me was so cold
Felt like I knew you from a different life time
Your soul was so old
The night me and your mama met
Gambino smoothly playing through the radio
I looked at you
You looked at me
I’m thinking I wanna marry ya
Cause they say ain’t nothing new under the sun
But you, you took me to the moon
And I knew you were the one
Feels good to be here
Windows fogging up
This conversation keeps weaving in and out of topics like how we were raised
To the places I wanna Rome wit ya
Seat belts won’t save us
From the cascading fate of me building a home in ya
You became my family
In that moment
You increased my stamina
Can’t imagine my life without you
The tribe yelling “can I kick it?” in the back ground
And I just remembered this playlist you made for us
The stars are out now
Through your eyes I see them glaring up
We been outside 6 hours now
Tank close to e
But I have no where to be
But to be here wit ya
Don’t ever leave me
And no matter where you go I’ll still be wit ya
Remember the night that started with no stars
Chillin in the car
With your past, present and future love
You are one of the great ones
And for me you are enough
if all my lovers were one
If all my lovers were one
we would be magic
spaceship riding shot gun
free of bad habits
I wonder about you
what are you willing to lose?
If its between me and her
It’s me, you would always choose
better days ricochet
off our vibrations
you bring me
peace
love
joy
happiness
and then some,
If only all of my lovers could be found in just one
I would be lifted
So high
Like john legend
No smoke, cause we know better
But it would be breezy
Damn, how hard it always is for you to leave me
Magnetic forces intertwine our inner beings
And even our outerbeings gravitate
So effortlessly
it’s hard not to see us
Baby, you would really be my baby
If all my lovers were one
We would never throw in the towel
We would never be “done”
We would love hard
never love alone
You would always be my only one
You’d be more than enough
If only all my lovers were one
We’d write poetry and sing our hearts out
We’d play fifa and really ball out
We’d stay up late watching movies
We’d trade books
We’d color within the lines
And watch anime until we cried
Oh how we would share fufu
How we would really get fly
We’d definitely go hiking
For you I would always write haikus
And how we’d dance all night
We’d play guitar to the rhythm of our heart beats til there was no doubt
No doubt about us
We won’t live without this
Cause now we know love
Real love
This is righteous
It lives in our eyes and soars through our kiss
If all my lovers were one
We would never miss
We would never hurt eachother with harsh words
We would never drift
No time would ever exist
It’d be pure bliss
If all of my lovers were one you would be
the one
my one
If all of my lovers could be found in just one
Love would conquer all
We would finally feel home
Heaven’s Hotlines: Standing in a Doorway
Do you believe in miracles?
I do.
I’m a walking talking, living, breathing-miracle.
If you know me you know since birth, i was not supposed to be here.
I was never supposed to be who i am today.
And you know that I have had several encounters with almost death.
I’ve experienced a lot of trauma
Still, I’m here
I smile
I laugh
I live
And that alone is a miracle
Some people never recover from the things that I have gone through
Some people have lost their smiles
But here I am, its 2019
and I find myself standing in a door way
leaving one place and entering another
excited for what lies before me
and proud of the rooms and doors I’ve walked through and closed in previous years
I was nervous about 2019
since 2013 every odd year has been a very trying and tough year for me
but i decided that ends this year
I have the power and authority to declare that this will be a good year
and I believe that it will.
So here we all are standing in our own doorways
somewhere in the grey area of our transitions into a new chapter of life
are you ready?
i have a good feeling about this.
Heaven's Hotlines 