Tag Archives: God

Death to the Flesh

I died today
For much too long, I tried so hard to stay
Flirting with limbo
Until I could bend no more
I could not stretch my hands further

Running at super sonic speed one day I crashed into my father

I found him when I went wandering
Through the meadows of nature
And it hit me that this was painted by his brush and
All the bumping and jiving
The sneaking, the lying
The sex and reckless driving
The tree and long islands
Could not compare to the feeling of freedom I got that day when I lift my eyes up

Fresh water streaked down my cheeks
And collected into a puddle reflecting my whole life
Mirroring the emptiness
The bitter loneliness that all along I’d tried to hide back when
I was driven by my passion and desire
To feel loved
Feel happy
Feel wanted
Feel something

But the good news is that I let it all go
And I died today
And the world could go up in flames
And I wouldn’t batt a lash
Because of the many they put on His back
I’m free and forever an heir
And there’s no chance of me turning to salt
Cause there’s no looking back from here

Heaven as a Hotline

So I just had a moment.

Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”

It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.

Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.

So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.

Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.

Stamp of Approval

It’s that smile,

Pat on the back,

Cheering from the sidelines with their large signs 

That keeps you going

The energizer bunny strong you are if you let them tell it

High-fives and “good jobs” 

A+’s and compliments

Likes and long fb comments

They make you blush,

Make your heart flutter,

Decieve you into believing that void and self-doubt you feel you can fill with just them

It’s that stamp of approval you get for answering the question correct

That slight hesitation you experience but they catch

You need to feel like they like you

And that whatever you decide to do they think is right too

You rely on them for pick me ups and warm heart revival 

But what you don’t understand is that you need none of this for your survival

You are beautifully and wonderfully made

In his image

You are great and it’s independent 

Of what people think

Or what they tell you

Everybody got an opinion, they’ll pull you up down left and right too

Spending so much time trying to please people you’ll always lose you

Most importantly you’ll distort the point of why God made you You

Unique and cool 

in your own way

Spreading your own light each and every day

Embrace who you are no matter what they say

Do what’s in your heart and try not to stray

From the person he called you to be 

He’ll always make a way.

Because really it’s His stamp that is the only one that should count a thing

Unmerited Favor

You dance behind closed doors

with strangers and different men

under the twisted disillusionment of lust

hoping that one of them will see your soul and tell you who you are

you didnt believe him when he told you

you were chosen

and wonderfully made

you scoffed at the idea that you could be special

which is why your wrists and that blade used to struggle

“what am I doing here?”, defeated you stay in the mirror

gazing at a broken woman

with many scars

you cant fathom how shes still alive

how has she survived

you know Jesus died for you but you cant fathom why

“who am I?” so underserving you cant even see that you did nothing to earn this

he gave his life for you he wasn’t murdered

you have to believe you are someone worth fighting for

worth dying for

someone with a purpose and a voice

chin up, sweet girl

surely you are distinguished

come out from that darkness

and the bondage you live in

you have to believe that you are here for His reason

and that every part of you He knows

so vibe with him

sing a song, bust a rhyme to him

pray your heart out so loud to him

because he’s heard your cry to men

you were looking for the love of God in them

But now it’s time to embrace the love and Grace he gives

What’s keeping you Alive?

I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:

“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.

So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.

What am I doing here?

Sometimes you go through things in life that seem to derail you from your path so much that you wonder, what am I doing here? Like how did I get to this place and what is the purpose. What am I supposed to be doing. I know where I want to be but how do I get there. All of these things run through your mind and things can be incredibly discouraging. You start to feel like why am I alive. What have I done. Am I important. What am I doing that’s important. Especially with people all around you flaunting their accomplishments and successes everywhere you look.

In life there will always be obstacles. The struggle is the same as time progresses, however, there is a purpose through each struggle. And this purpose helps you to figure out who you are and what your ultimate purpose is, as well as gets you closer to God. Because your faith will be tested each time. You will be tried and tested and for some it’s a battle between doubt and worry. God wants to know that you will rely on him and seek refuge in him through anything. And mostly that you will put him first through everything.

So I’m telling you, let go of all of that nonsense.

Get free of all that bondage.

God got you.

Brand New

I have a song that I sing sometimes when I worship and it varies each time I sing it but one line that I always sing is that “You make me brand new; you do. time and time again its always you.” And today I’m feeling brand new. anew. renewed. Life in this world can become so consuming and it’s so easy to starve yourself spiritually and get caught up in the things you have to do such as school and work etc. Well I’ve had the unique privilege of having a lot more time to dedicate to my spirituality. the perception of my life right now may be that i’m going through a storm as I am 3 classes away from graduating however had to take a semester off due to financial reasons. And while sometimes when thinking about this I become incredibly frustrated and often times upset. I do not worry. I do not worry because I trust in God and I know he has a plan for my life. And today I have been made brand new. I have a brand new attitude, brand new smile and perspective. because I’m comforted by this. See, in the beginning when I was having these problems I was running to people to help me figure it out, though I prayed and even fasted in regard to this issue. I still did not give it all to God and trust that hes got it figured out.

I can’t even begin to express how I’ve found my peace of mind through this storm in my life. John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” And I know for me this verse was really comforting and made a lot of sense. There’s no person who can find the solutions to my problems like He can so why would I put my trusts and hope in men? It’s incredibly foolish. Because people will always disappoint you but He never will.

The whole worrying about nothing, praying about all things has been therapeutic for me. It’s like I can’t carry these burdens in my life but my savior can so I trust Him to figure things out. And I know He will always do so in my favor. It feels good to be made to feel brand new. And to feel hopeful and optimistic about your future. Just keep praying and feed your soul by remaining faithful and thankful for all you have and all He’s done in your life.

The Conquering Lion

I fell on bended knees
weeping with hurt and sadness all around me
all the bad, darkness and the heartbreaks of yesterday’s consuming my mental
Father, I can’t even look you in your eyes
my shame and guilt have led me blind
But with my head hanging down I cling to your feet
Because you’re the only good thing that I know
The only one to whom I can go
But why do I allow these people to hurt me so?
Queen, get up.
My daughter go spend time with me
laugh and sing and talk freely
For it’s only I who can interpret that song your heart sings
Only I can heal that pain he brings
So rise.
And look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
And that brilliant sparkling smile
And go on with your life
You are so much more than this
I planned more for you than to just exist
Trust in me and you’ll be free
And I promise that in my love,
you will truly find peace
So stand strong
For I am the foundation you are built on.
Every time you stumble, or choke on the sin-filled air of this world; I will breathe you back to life.
Daughter, you have to know that,
Your beautiful soul is worth dying
So be still and stop all your crying.
For indeed you know who I am.
The Conquering Lion.

Her Psalm

So resilient she was born
with a fragile stamp mistakenly
placed on her forehead
And she has scars
Some deep
Some dark
Some long
But even the invisible wounds can’t tear her apart
From the start,
she fought with a strength
with a passion for life and with unwavering faith
She, in all her glory and clothed in all His grace
remained
Short but tall
Frail yet strong
She will never fall
Come storms, come hail, come all enemies far and long
She won’t be broken
Because He lies within her
The hope and love needed to sustain
this woman
He provides it all so surely
she will be great
And she will recover all upon the break of dawn.

(Inspired by Psalm 46:5)

Gifted and Talented

I remember seriously struggling to learn and focus in the classroom when I was younger. I was in ESOL classes and lower level classes until I had this one teacher, Mrs. Penland, who stepped in and change my life. She was truly gifted at her job of teaching. She was also deeply passionate and took a real liking to myself and my family. So she would teach me after hours and even take me to her house sometimes and she really dedicated a lot of time to helping me prosper. Now this transition didn’t happen immediately, but I remember the time I  got placed into Gifted and Talented (GT) classes. GT classes distinguished students with gifts and talents from those who were average or seemingly un-gifted or talented. Now when I think about the kind of division the schools I attended created it’s kind of sad because God has given us all unique gifts independent from one another. However, just as being placed in GT classes gave me great confidence in myself academically, I remember when I wasn’t in those classes and the derogatory feeling of hopelessness that overcame me. I felt like there was nothing special about me. I felt I’d never be good enough.

Well in Romans 12:6 it says that by the grace of God we each have a gift. Meaning God intentionally gave each of us a different gift on purpose and that we all play a very important role in our ultimate goal here on earth which is to spread the gospel of Christ and His love. Now understanding this, I see how negligent schools are in making students feel un-gifted or incompetent. And I think that’s one of the worse things you could do to a kid’s spirit. Its just an unrelenting crushing of self-esteem and confidence for years and years. If you tell a kid they’re a bad kid, they will produce badness for that is all that they can hear that they’re good at. Similarly, if you tell a kid they are good they will produce goodness because they can hear that they’re good at being good.

I was really compelled to dial up heavens hotlines today because I really do believe that I’m gifted and talented. Not because some school placed me there but because He placed it in my heart. I feel like I’m gifted at infecting love wherever I go and I’m talented at working with kids. Who knows, I might have 3,4,5,6 million other gifts. But I know that I’m special. And I’m really honored to have the gifts and talents that I do because, when you decide to use them and put them to use for good or the betterment of others, it feels so rewarding and fulfilling. I just hope people don’t let their gifts and talents to waste. Like Dr. Seuss said no one is youer than you, so why not do you and show everyone what you can do?