A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
I died today
For much too long, I tried so hard to stay
Flirting with limbo
Until I could bend no more
I could not stretch my hands further
Running at super sonic speed one day I crashed into my father
I found him when I went wandering
Through the meadows of nature
And it hit me that this was painted by his brush and
All the bumping and jiving
The sneaking, the lying
The sex and reckless driving
The tree and long islands
Could not compare to the feeling of freedom I got that day when I lift my eyes up
Fresh water streaked down my cheeks
And collected into a puddle reflecting my whole life
Mirroring the emptiness
The bitter loneliness that all along I’d tried to hide back when
I was driven by my passion and desire
To feel loved
But the good news is that I let it all go
And I died today
And the world could go up in flames
And I wouldn’t batt a lash
Because of the many they put on His back
I’m free and forever an heir
And there’s no chance of me turning to salt
Cause there’s no looking back from here
So I just had a moment.
Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”
It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.
Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.
So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.
Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.
It’s that smile,
Pat on the back,
Cheering from the sidelines with their large signs
That keeps you going
The energizer bunny strong you are if you let them tell it
High-fives and “good jobs”
A+’s and compliments
Likes and long fb comments
They make you blush,
Make your heart flutter,
Decieve you into believing that void and self-doubt you feel you can fill with just them
It’s that stamp of approval you get for answering the question correct
That slight hesitation you experience but they catch
You need to feel like they like you
And that whatever you decide to do they think is right too
You rely on them for pick me ups and warm heart revival
But what you don’t understand is that you need none of this for your survival
You are beautifully and wonderfully made
In his image
You are great and it’s independent
Of what people think
Or what they tell you
Everybody got an opinion, they’ll pull you up down left and right too
Spending so much time trying to please people you’ll always lose you
Most importantly you’ll distort the point of why God made you You
Unique and cool
in your own way
Spreading your own light each and every day
Embrace who you are no matter what they say
Do what’s in your heart and try not to stray
From the person he called you to be
He’ll always make a way.
Because really it’s His stamp that is the only one that should count a thing
You dance behind closed doors
with strangers and different men
under the twisted disillusionment of lust
hoping that one of them will see your soul and tell you who you are
you didnt believe him when he told you
you were chosen
and wonderfully made
you scoffed at the idea that you could be special
which is why your wrists and that blade used to struggle
“what am I doing here?”, defeated you stay in the mirror
gazing at a broken woman
with many scars
you cant fathom how shes still alive
how has she survived
you know Jesus died for you but you cant fathom why
“who am I?” so underserving you cant even see that you did nothing to earn this
he gave his life for you he wasn’t murdered
you have to believe you are someone worth fighting for
worth dying for
someone with a purpose and a voice
chin up, sweet girl
surely you are distinguished
come out from that darkness
and the bondage you live in
you have to believe that you are here for His reason
and that every part of you He knows
so vibe with him
sing a song, bust a rhyme to him
pray your heart out so loud to him
because he’s heard your cry to men
you were looking for the love of God in them
But now it’s time to embrace the love and Grace he gives
I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:
“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.
So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.
Sometimes you go through things in life that seem to derail you from your path so much that you wonder, what am I doing here? Like how did I get to this place and what is the purpose. What am I supposed to be doing. I know where I want to be but how do I get there. All of these things run through your mind and things can be incredibly discouraging. You start to feel like why am I alive. What have I done. Am I important. What am I doing that’s important. Especially with people all around you flaunting their accomplishments and successes everywhere you look.
In life there will always be obstacles. The struggle is the same as time progresses, however, there is a purpose through each struggle. And this purpose helps you to figure out who you are and what your ultimate purpose is, as well as gets you closer to God. Because your faith will be tested each time. You will be tried and tested and for some it’s a battle between doubt and worry. God wants to know that you will rely on him and seek refuge in him through anything. And mostly that you will put him first through everything.
So I’m telling you, let go of all of that nonsense.
Get free of all that bondage.
God got you.
I have a song that I sing sometimes when I worship and it varies each time I sing it but one line that I always sing is that “You make me brand new; you do. time and time again its always you.” And today I’m feeling brand new. anew. renewed. Life in this world can become so consuming and it’s so easy to starve yourself spiritually and get caught up in the things you have to do such as school and work etc. Well I’ve had the unique privilege of having a lot more time to dedicate to my spirituality. the perception of my life right now may be that i’m going through a storm as I am 3 classes away from graduating however had to take a semester off due to financial reasons. And while sometimes when thinking about this I become incredibly frustrated and often times upset. I do not worry. I do not worry because I trust in God and I know he has a plan for my life. And today I have been made brand new. I have a brand new attitude, brand new smile and perspective. because I’m comforted by this. See, in the beginning when I was having these problems I was running to people to help me figure it out, though I prayed and even fasted in regard to this issue. I still did not give it all to God and trust that hes got it figured out.
I can’t even begin to express how I’ve found my peace of mind through this storm in my life. John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” And I know for me this verse was really comforting and made a lot of sense. There’s no person who can find the solutions to my problems like He can so why would I put my trusts and hope in men? It’s incredibly foolish. Because people will always disappoint you but He never will.
The whole worrying about nothing, praying about all things has been therapeutic for me. It’s like I can’t carry these burdens in my life but my savior can so I trust Him to figure things out. And I know He will always do so in my favor. It feels good to be made to feel brand new. And to feel hopeful and optimistic about your future. Just keep praying and feed your soul by remaining faithful and thankful for all you have and all He’s done in your life.
I fell on bended knees
weeping with hurt and sadness all around me
all the bad, darkness and the heartbreaks of yesterday’s consuming my mental
Father, I can’t even look you in your eyes
my shame and guilt have led me blind
But with my head hanging down I cling to your feet
Because you’re the only good thing that I know
The only one to whom I can go
But why do I allow these people to hurt me so?
Queen, get up.
My daughter go spend time with me
laugh and sing and talk freely
For it’s only I who can interpret that song your heart sings
Only I can heal that pain he brings
And look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
And that brilliant sparkling smile
And go on with your life
You are so much more than this
I planned more for you than to just exist
Trust in me and you’ll be free
And I promise that in my love,
you will truly find peace
So stand strong
For I am the foundation you are built on.
Every time you stumble, or choke on the sin-filled air of this world; I will breathe you back to life.
Daughter, you have to know that,
Your beautiful soul is worth dying
So be still and stop all your crying.
For indeed you know who I am.
The Conquering Lion.
So resilient she was born
with a fragile stamp mistakenly
placed on her forehead
And she has scars
But even the invisible wounds can’t tear her apart
From the start,
she fought with a strength
with a passion for life and with unwavering faith
She, in all her glory and clothed in all His grace
Short but tall
Frail yet strong
She will never fall
Come storms, come hail, come all enemies far and long
She won’t be broken
Because He lies within her
The hope and love needed to sustain
He provides it all so surely
she will be great
And she will recover all upon the break of dawn.
(Inspired by Psalm 46:5)