Category Archives: Mental Health Awareness

my sisters hands

hot like they had spent a lifetime sizzling beneath the sun
nails peeling back at the cuticles of her own insecurities
her own beatings
her own twisted memories
shortcomings
in her palms she carried the weight
weight of the pain
weight of the pressure
weight of this world
weight of the wait
waiting for someone to acknowledge her own scars
she chose to inflict them on me
whip after whip
she slapped and she punched
breaking and breaking me
and anyone who got in her way
through her finger tips she grated me
thought she was twisting me into a better molding
more like her and less and less of me
even her knuckles were scolding
let her tell it she experienced worse things
purple, black and blue faded her golden hue
like weapons she used
my sister, she used her hands for giving tattoos
marking her territory
at times she used them for good
from studying to cooking
to clapping to grabbing
to writing and dancing
to creating and shaping
but most memorable to me, for breaking
for bondage
with the same hands she sought to lead me with
she would slap a smile right off of my face
sweat, tears and a mean mug
my own hands trembling
burning with a silent rage
at how I could let my sister touch me that way
little sisters must stay in little sisters place
if only our mothers knew
how i looked myself in the mirror and couldn’t feel the same
so ashamed
tears ablaze
my own hands became rough like sand paper
a crinkling that even lotion couldn’t soothe
my head bowed
bloody and bruised
mushed to the ground
I learned to fear her hands more than her words
those hands
sometimes they would swing
sometimes they would fly
ball up and blow all over me
even with the lights off
those hands always found a way back
I remember a rare moment of peace
once we held our shaking palms to one another
wrist to wrist
and like puzzle pieces they just fit together
It’s like we saw each other in one another
but her pulse flickered electricity into mine
triggers
the trauma
a shocking thought electrocuted me
how could I be my sisters keeper
to laugh and to love her
To help and encourage
to hold and to heal her
a sister who’s hands held secrets of their own
hands used to mislead me
deceive me
to discipline me into a violent room trapped in dark thoughts
hazy with a lack of care
hands I thought that I once needed
they Inflicted such a pain
Such a grief
I lost sight of what there was to gain
We could have been best friends back then
Using those hands for weaving each others hair
We could have been real family
The kind who hugs and holds and shares whatever their hands touch
we could’ve used those hands to hold mics and to sing old jams together
Or from the same bowl we could have eaten together
she could have used those hands to teach me to read
or to point me in the right directions
And although we tried those things later on
It was much too late
damage done
It was never really the same
Engulfed in shame
Low eyes, a razor tongue and a gut full of guilt
And my own unforgiveness to the fact that she used those hands
to strangle my life from my veins
what kind of sister
Could love you and still seek to change your name
And what kind of sister would I be if I didn’t take part of the blame
twisted convictions reshape our perceptions
But those hands they taught me lessons
Cruel cruel lessons
that my sisters hands, fierce as they were
also had big sisters who used hands on her
hands that influenced what she thought her own hands should be made of

Thirty Roses

It’s been 30 years
but way more than 30 moments
heavens blessings
and twisted rollercoasters
the person you see before you
actually needs an introduction
because whether u remember me as
shy little sua wit the swoop and side ponytails
or maybe super cool swizzle sua wit the converse with the bows at the end
The “is this the same Sua that got crazy-stupid-thick outta no where?”
Or the “Akooswah” who later learned how to pronounce her own name
the loud laughing
Kanye loving
Pepsi drinking
Big red gum chewing
Anime watching
Forever tweeting
Sensitive lover girl
This is your first time meeting me
30 years of journey
Encounters with death
Plenty concoctions of meds
One too many unstable relationships with men
And yet the one person who prided herself on friends
See I planted a home in each of you
So that no matter where you went in the world
I always had a piece of you
But it has been 30 years yall
30 GoodMorning beautifuls
30 haikus
30 wrong turns
30 txts saying “just thinking of you”
30 crippling fears
way more than 30 tears
30 hours spent teaching me that I was the one behind the steering wheel
Wisdoms you only learn by the cruel hand of this world
Dark dark days
Slow walks
Time forever fleeting
There were times I wished my heart would really just stop beating
Imagine that
Bright white smiling
Always dancing
Always joking
Always grateful for life but
There took a death of my ego, for me to survive this
A breaking of my state of mind
Strapped to a bed and going a month without seeing outside
The woman standing before you
Maybe you call her many names
Call her Su or swizzle, she hates “sway”
Wannie Monnie, Coslaw maybe just “the roses”
AB could be a thing if Sua would get out the way
Or maybe you are my family, you call me Akos reminding me of home
You call me sister, you call me babe, you call me friend
Maybe you have many memories from back in the day
Maybe our connection has seen waves
This person, I’ve witness her grow every day
And her heart, my heart it sings this same song
A smooth rhythm with the soul of the color blue
Or is it mahogany
Either way,
God really called on me
I found myself kicking and screaming in his arms
waving my hands frantically at the ocean of life
I thought I was drowning
My feet couldn’t touch the ground
And I couldn’t taste the difference in the salt of life’s water and the salt in the tears in my eyes
I was going blind!
But I wasn’t drowning
I wasn’t falling
God was baby rocking me, walking me closer to shore
All along and
I felt like I just wasted so much time
30 drinks too many
30 drunken nights
30 hot boxes
more than 30 goodbyes
Instead these were the lessons
Life’s mathematics
Curating me
So, I say all of this to say
Hi, my name is Akosua Renee Bamfo
And I Thank you
Thank you for being a love in my life
for witnessing my 30 moon phases
for 30 laughing sessions
more than 30 FaceTimes
30 deep depressions
30 of them real ugly cries
30 long flights
30 deep breaths
30 “just come over’s”
30 and still alive
God crossed our paths for a reason
And I’m so blessed to know you through all these seasons
Im a walking talking miracle
I look in the mirror and see a living vessel
here for the spreading
A narrative
A testimony
An anchor
To the story of the God who created me
And the light and love you feel in me
Remember is just a reflection of Him

Here’s to thirty Roses.

Life’s Nutrients

There I sat in a skyblue pencil skirt paired with a yellow top I once wore to dress up like that Arthur meme. Starry eyed. Enamored by the opportunity I have each time I visit my uncle and am able to witness what friendship looks like. In real time. A friend might be one of the rarest things to come across in earth. It requires an intentional effort. A real decision to be there for one another unbound by space and time. I sat there listening for hours to my uncle, one of the greatest storytellers I’ve ever known. And for hours my father laughed and corroborated these stories. We discussed many things and I continued to bounce my eyes from my uncle to my father and back again. Effortless. This relationship is deeply rooted. The synchronization of their spirits is one like I’ve never seen before. I can never help but to be in awe.

            The main topic of discussion was nutrients. Nutrients are needed in order to sustain growth and a good quality of life. They are natural and can be found in foods. Many foods of which seem hard to find at your local supermarket these days; nonetheless, necessary. My uncle showed us the early springing fruit in his garden that he has tendered and gardened with love over many seasons. He talked us through each fruit and it’s story. Alternating between Twi and English but we still all laughed in the same language. This conversation was vastly informative; I learned so much about how to improve my own health and make better healthy choices in order to live a happier and healthier lifestyle. The stories that were woven in to give context and background to nutrient rich fruits like the goji berry, allowed my imagination to soar. I was blown away by the amount of information that was transported to me with such ease and humor. This moment I began to hold onto like it was my birthday, hoping it’d never end.

We came back inside to talk more. And as I was sitting at my uncle’s table drinking coffee spiked with vanilla and caramel creamer, I began to wonder about life’s nutrients. The metaphorical value of nutrients. What aspects of this life are required to sustain growth and a good quality of life? What do we need? Who do we need? In my 24 years of life I’ve learned that I don’t need a lot to be happy. In fact I’m the unhealthiest when I use things in the exterior to fill my insides. To increase or enhance my mood. But as the naturalista that I truly am, I love and respect nature. I believe in nature. When I am out in nature for a walk or just to breathe in air, to greet the sunrise or admire the moon, I’ve found my spirits are higher. So now I’m determined to intake more of life’s nutrients in order to be happier. I’m elevating to a new level that does not require engaging in toxic relationships, or relying on drugs or alcohol as a requirement for happy. Happiness comes from within. And it comes from what you put in. I’m most happy when I’m doing things that I love, unworried about things that may be out of my control. Completely submerged in the present but still keeping my dreams surrounding a better future. I’ve learned that I tend to isolate but that in life we do need each other. We need people to laugh, cry, dance, play, sing, study, share and Be with. We do. No man is an island. There is a reason and a value for every person who enters and even exits your life. What makes the difference between the people who pass through and those who stay is the love. Love is a decision. A constant. And in any friendship you have to consistently make the decision to choose one another. Much like my father and my uncle. They have chosen to keep in contact. They know each other so well that they know what works for them. I want that. I have been wanting and working and building and failing and trying to rebuild again and again to eventually have friendships like that.

Which leads me to one of the most important relationships with the richest source of nutrients that I know: God. Aligning myself with God in a way that I spend time in an organic and genuine way with Him is crucial to my health. I feel better internally and externally. It is difficult to do almost anything without hope and having a relationship with God gives me that. My father and Uncle each have a strong faith and relationship with God. Independently and yet also together. They pray for one another and also with. They have devoted themselves to living the work of the Gospel and that is why it’s not surprising that they have been able to align themselves with one another in a way that is heartfelt and real. They are like-minded and like hearted individuals. Since I was a small child, I was exposed to a friendship between my uncle and father where they would do anything for each other. It engrained in me a true respect for a friend. And now I know friendship in all of its rarity is a requirement for happy in this life. This is why I am constantly striving to be a better friend and am able to recognize how blessed I am to be able to call even one person-Friend. We all need more of life’s nutrients and we may need more of some than others but constantly evaluate your level of happy. And be sure to recharge on all of the good things so that mind, body and spirit you are able to stay healthy and keep happy.

CHEMS

All of these chems
Blue blood pumping
infiltrating my system
A doctor twisting my intuition
Unbearable
Bordering miserable
How can I go on like this?
Life is locked inside these bottles
Inside these tablets
Inside of these capsules that are sweltering
With the illusion of happy
These bottles they twist and we still pop too
Because the desperation is real
we dangle on the edge of sanity the moment we wake from soiled sheets
Sheets we swam in to escape our forced Goodmornings but that we still cling to our
almost lovers or their absence thereof
Fearful of these never ending nights
Can’t rest
Can’t eat
And we don’t protest this cycle
Cause we settle for whatever chems they decide is best
Cant seem to find, but we know it’s the nutrients that were missing
For now, we bury the costs
And still wonder,
What will we have left?

Metaphor to my life, mane

Scott Mescudi.

I’m so happy that you chose You. And I’ve been thinking all day… There is nothing to feel ashamed about but I hear you. And I empathize with you. See we literally all go through things in life. This is why the spirt of a person, their peace of mind, their mental health is so important. Only you know you. And you have to make your mental health a priority. After all what do we exist in this life for? To be troubled or to be happy? To find joy. Find peace. to self-actualize. Cudi literally, just by way of being who he is and being brave enough to seek help, inspired and actually motivated so many people to share their own individual stories about their mental health on so many different platforms of social media today. I’m just so moved. It takes great courage and bravery to speak up about something so real & personal , but I’m so glad that he did because it welcomed so many others to do the same. I can’t wait until we live in a world where these conversations are welcomed and regular. Where we are having these conversations frequently and creating the time and space into our society in a way that shows how much we value one another and mental health.

Blessings to cudi.

Hoping he heals and finds his happy again. And I hope others are motivated to be just as brave and seek help. That might look like a lot of different ways as people generally have different needs. But I’d encourage everyone to take some time to be conscious of their mental health this week and beyond. Just be mindful and honest about how you’re doing. How you feel. Acknowledge those feelings and adopt some healthy coping mechanisms.

 

If you’re musically  inclined and believe in the power of music as a healing agent (like I do)…Some songs old and new that have been helpful in my mindfulness about how I’m feeling and also that have lifted me up even while writing this include:

Sky Might Fall| Cudi

Ghost| Cudi

Eternal Sunshine| Jhene

Finish Line/Drown| Chance

I Gotta Find Peace of Mind|Lauryn Hill

Novacane| Frank Ocean

Cranes in the Sky| Solange

 

 

 

 

Angel’s Dust

It’s like crack,
Harlem shaking through your bones
It always brings you back to
Burnt glass dicks and a powdered nose
This is what life through sore eyes has become

A thick ball of pain and suppression caught right in the throat
Sunken brown eyes, blood shot red on disguising the truth
The vapors, the capsules and inhalation redefining your youth

You quit like a thousand times
Rehabbing from bad habits
Hoping the color returns to your face
But condemn yourself when you can’t
And return to the trap houses, where many a night you’ve slept on cold floors,
These have become the safe houses of your reality
Blanketed in the comfort of familiarity

So you slip again
Apologize again
Ain’t got a friend
But in drugs you feel closer to the God you feel within so you pray
Pray hard
Pray He just takes you away
Until another hit lights your soul on fire
Feels so good, what could be so bad about wanting to get higher?

This vicious cycle rips away chunks of your existence with fatal shark-sized bites
How could something so wrong feel so right?
Feel so light…
Take your spirit on flight
But imprison the beautiful temple where the power within you lives to break free of such a life

Numb

This pain
It was sharp and alive,
Not like the kind I’ve long been used to.
It was the kind that consumes
With dark gloomy clouds raining down well into my June
I got used to this feeling
This feeling of being used
It becomes so great sometimes you have to question if you’re still ‘you’
It’s the kind you can’t shake off
with pins and needles everywhere
You just feel lost

It’s the kind you can only see through half smiles
It affects you through invisible, unspeakable ways
They say,
The eyes are the window to your soul but your smile is the shield behind which you can hide 
It’s that reminder that so long as the sun is out, even though you may feel cold and afraid,

You have to smile
And imagine that things are alright
You’re grateful for your life but that stinging never quite fades away.
Through darkness and in light it stands by
See this was different.
It was unwelcomed and persistent
It was like exhaling and never breathing again
It made you wish you couldn’t feel a thing
It’s when walking through thunderstorms is easier than blending in with a sunny day

This pain was different…

It seemed like nothing would be the same, I was forced to surrender my flame
I’d muted all emotion
And my eyes adjusted to the night
Because when this darkness came
It stayed
It became my only friend
Smothered me with black, heavy chains
that held me down and drowned me in rain
And some nights I’d howl to the moon
I envied how no matter how dark the night, it still shined through

But one night,
I saw God in that moon
And my heart flickered.