dialing…i woke up feeling so full today it was a great week! I did everything I said I wanted to do And i had so much fun doing it
I’m really just here for a good time I mean i want to feel all of the feels of course And go deep I wanna feel that feeling! That passion, that intensity, that heat!
(Word to B)
i am just so grateful to be around people who almost every single time we interact there is laughter I love people who just have good banter light hearted easy going and witty I love laughing and leaning into someone’s shoulder I love watching someone’s veins pop out of their neck or their eyes start tearing up with laughter I just adore that exchange When someone has a long drawn out laugh Or when someone looks over at me, who is still cracking up laughing, wit the side eye like “ard it wasn’t that funny!” Hahahaha Omg i just love it
I’m having a really good time And i love having the mantra, mentality and faith that “this too shall pass” because it will It keeps me mentally in balance Because it’s real Everything is temporary Bad times don’t last forever baby And neither do the good times So when things are good, I’m completely submerged in those moments I’m soaking as much love and joy and peace and zen and comfort as possible out of these moments this is my life’s fuel I’m grateful grateful grateful staying grateful keeps me grounded and humble And I just gotta say I am so beyond thankful for the laughs The laughs wit my students Laughs wit my coworkers Laughs wit my friends + family Even laughs over text message
I’ve decided I’m just gonna laugh my way through the pressure *harlem shakes* ☎️
So a few years ago I decided on the sort of lifestyle that I want to live. I want to be a person of integrity. Someone who is just honest and free. Someone who is devoted. Devoted to my love of God. Devoted to serving others, growing my brain and living out my life’s purpose. I find that when I am able to fulfill my life’s passions, my spirit is fully free and at ease. I’m just here to love and spread as much love as I can. My creativity gives me agency to achieve that. The gift of creativity is so powerful. And I realized that the reason I’m here is deeper than I know. But I choose to be obedient to the spirit. As a deeply spiritual person who is always striving to experience connection, I realized I can’t just do the same things that most people that I know do. Especially pertaining to social experiences and who i spend my time with. I’m just trying as much as possible to be only surrounded by people who I can be myself entirely. Free to be who i am without apology and without having to ask permission. Free to make mistakes and still receive grace. To feel seen, heard, respected and valued mutually. I’m a sensitive person. Something I’ve been scarlet lettered as since I was a young child. Always “too sensitive” but I feel so empowered to be a highly sensitive person. What a superhero type strength. I’m so in-tune with my senses that I am really able to have such a beautiful experience in life. The ability to be observant, to stay curious, to notice and wonder.
Knowing the sort of life I desire, I am always striving to build such a practice that it becomes second nature to live like this. I love feeling connected to nature and to experience a real love and soul connection to other people. So I do something every single day that keeps me mindful, present and grounded into sustaining that reality. I really struggled with anxiety for most of my childhood into adolescence. A crippling anxiety. I got a head full of traumas but with God there is always healing and restoration. And although my healing journey started with a lot of antidepressants and antipsychotics, I was always eager to find natural ways of healing. Through my daily practices of nutrients, prayer, reading, meditating and writing, I’ve been able to become a master of myself. I have a ton of self care activities that i swap out as needed. This has helped me so much. I know how to take inventory of my needs, capacities and deficiencies but also because it’s like I know and love me from the inside out now, enforcing boundaries are a lot more seamless. That’s been the game changer. I just want a life of comfort. Every single day I’m just practicing to be able to have the most comfortable and joyful experience. Certain things in life are just sacred. So really honoring my temple has changed my idea about why I’m here and how I’d like to spend my time.
I think that living is an artistic experience. And we are all creators. Being in nature is so inspiring and being able to apply wisdoms we find every day just by being in nature radically changes lives. Even through all of life’s inevitable challenges, life is always beautiful. And I try as much as possible to stay grateful for all of the beautiful things that bring me peace, love and joy. This is the only way I know how to increase my awareness, vibrations and frequency.☎️
What a gift it is Eyes wide joys of tearing up even Slouched in the passenger seat The moon is on our side And the night air is cool The music’s volume too Even moments of silence Are still moments with you
What a gift it is To see someone in their element To be quiet and left alone To breathe and to live like all we have is right now Cause all we do have is right now There’s nothing that we can change about what happened before And no sense worrying about the future Especially when most things are out of our control Living intentionally doesn’t mean having everything planned out its nice to have an idea, a sketch We let the spirits guide and the energy flow Being intentional also means letting go It means to be so vigilant about time spent That you won’t even waste a minute doing anything or surrounded by anyone who is not aligned with your energy
We all are on different wavelengths Since I was younger I could never make sense Of how some people don’t see color in their minds And their thoughts don’t constantly play a game of Tetris summer salting through the pressure But I’ve come to accept that I’m in a league of my own Cut from an ancient cloth Birthed in an ancient ocean A hugger of trees People who know me, they know What it means for me to be me to be here To be still To look someone in their eye And just be real To speak to someone who just makes sense They give you something that you can just feel
What a gift it is I could die in this moment life is precious but I wouldn’t look back and change a thing Because the freedom I’ve found in the power of now Keeps my heart roaming Rather beating 808’s are forever And right now, these moments they keep me Just keep me, still me Liberation of my inner me It’s undeniable That being present in the moment it’s all that I have the capacity for these days And is honestly where I rather be ☎️
My livelihood absolutely depends on my rituals. I practice mantra, take meds, breath work, workout, affirmation and self preservation daily. These are the things that keep me. I’m in a place of my life where there is a lot going on. There’s friend challenges, family emergencies, grief, work deliverables/pressures. It’s a lot. Any time I get out of my daily routine I know things are not going well. It’s only been 3 days like this but that’s totally off for me.
So I practice being self aware and taking inventory. I adjust accordingly. I have to reset some of my rituals. The way I speak to myself. The people I spend my time with right now. And what i do to cleanse. Currently taking a break from social media has been a great choice. Distancing myself from friends and family who have triggered an anxiety/trauma response. Again, good choice. But i need a cleanse. For me the equivalence of using sage or palo santo to cleanse a space comes in the form of a shower. It is the only way I can get all that stuff off of me. All the labels and the expectations and the negative energy. It is the only way I can lift my light back up. It’s a cleanse of my temple but also spiritually it’s my way of telling myself “hey girl, ur not perfect no matter how much ppl might romanticize you or hold you on this pedestal. You are who you are. And you are a good person. You don’t deserve to be held hostage by the things that you cannot change. There is no sense in holding onto regret. Or ruminating on obsessive thoughts about coulda shoulda woulda’s. You deserve water. Freedom. A good cry. A good laugh. A hug. Some healing. You are worthy of the same love you so freely give others”
And i lather myself in that affirmation from head to toe. A relief cascades over me because I’m not just meditating over those words; I believe them. Another ritual I have to practice has been asking for help. I have a close relationship with my psychiatrist who i have known for 10+ years. She understands me, and my heart. And she looks out for things that most people in my support system don’t know to look for. She has my back. So taking my meds are a ritual and sometimes some meds have to be cycled back into rotation or phased out depending on life’s stressors at that moment. I used to see this as a measurement of failure. In mental health the view is like if you don’t have to take meds that’s “great” and if you do have to take meds that’s “bad” especially depending on how many meds you have to take. The stigma gets worse the more meds you have to take. Now, believe me, that is totally irrational. There is no way to say that because someone is on 3 meds and someone is on 1 that makes one better than the other. It’s a horrible stigma. And I know with all the things happening in life right now my anxiety is at an all-time high so I have to cycle back into taking an anxiety PRN. And that is okay. I just thank God that I know myself well enough to gauge my needs. And do what i need to do to take care of me. ☎️
Our love would model the universal design of loving This love will require visuals, music, bold print, aromatherapy, magnetic sand, highlighters, graphic organizers, manipulatives, accommodations modifications even You’d love me like slow cooking soul food And yes some times it would require headphones low lights, candles and a soft touch You would rub my scalp and play with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck We’d laugh together mostly but know when to be serious and express the depths of the truths in our heads We’d play rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s turn it was to do the dishes next And sometimes I’d just let you win And you’d end up helping me dry and put them away anyways You’d hold the door for me You’d compliment me And would never forget a “thank you” Yes, my love, we’d love The sort of love where I could see my life in your eyes Not my future life Not a bigger house Not a new job Not even some future kids But I’d see you seeing me and loving me for who I am Right now Not for what I can be Not for what I can give And we’d nurture that love and keep growing and growing it in the same direction together Because we prepared for this Yes, AI, we are talking about practice We have practiced Look at your palms beloved, You see those two lines that start out separate and then join into one very thick, intertwined line? That is us…that is our story Lord knows how many lovers and losses it cost us It scarred us But my future valentine, I would heal you with the water And you would heal me with the earth My interests and passions would matter Not necessarily because you share the same ones but because you’d be so enamored at how I light up doing what I love And I’d study you I’d take the time to learn your love language and so would you until our love became fluently bilingual My love, I would shower you with the live sony orchestra version of my hearts song Spatial audio of course so you’d hear all the strings, drums, keys, the guitar you’d notice that this, this was your song all along A song you’d innately been humming the same melody to although you thought the tune was gone We’d both bring bags of our own life’s traumas… that yeah, we need to sort through but we’d keep them in the garage so that nothing would come in between us Our best would fluctuate each day Some days we’d finish each others sentences and do something spontaneous Other days we’d be doing our own things, alone, but always together; somehow connected We’d communicate And we’d both want it to be this way With such a giving spirit, we’d generously fill each others cups We’d be overflowing We’d be the something sweet after dinner We’d be the electrolytes the next day after drinking We’d be like when that one cafeteria lady would give you a little extra gravy on those mashed potatoes we’d eat in school during thanksgiving season We would always be swaying When we are out doing our own thing nobody would ever ask you “where’s ab?” Because they’d see me right there inside of you Vibrating We’d spend all of our days loving completely and learning when to pivot When to adjust When to go harder When to maintenance When to kiss each other all over When to practice patience When to be quiet When one of us just needs to sit in silence under the covers When one of us is hungover When one of us just needs to be around some love When enough is enough We’d be there And we’d never have to beg We’d never have to go too long without each other I’d never be ashamed of my disorders because even with all that I come with, your hands are large enough to hold on we’d love freely, open and honest
Yes love, this is the sort of love that lives in my head. So I wrote it down so I can manifest it into my reality instead.
let it out wailing really snot flowing as you release deep tears cry out loud let it out let it go there’s a reason for how things flow there is also a calling a calling for me a calling for you a calling for more but what is surrounding you? why can’t you move on? holding on to the pain the same pain that was supposed to teach you how to feel again the pain that woke you up to the reality of who you are of where you are the pain that consumes and convinces you that you don’t belong here and you have nothing of value did you forget who’s you are? that defeating mindset didn’t you know that that pain was supposed to change you? Something is shifting Change is coming you are set apart you can’t be where everybody be do what everybody do eat what everybody eat and move how everybody move instead you are a vessel you will be used you can be new there is a message deep within you God has been nearing he has been molding twisting and turning brewing and stewing in you don’t act like you don’t feel it too for every time that you were rejected disrespected taken advantage of… He’s been right there, all along why can’t you accept Him? let everything else go let it go let his presence fill your room and his healing sweep it clean all those things you’ve been used to the things you lean on the habits you know don’t serve you can’t serve you won’t you let it go? wont you try something new? won’t you free yourself from Him is where you’ll find your help If only you’d open up your eyes why won’t you take the time to understand the signs Discern the way that you move in this world There is a frequency beyond So get ready Be prepared sharpen your spirits eye and let God
I died today
For much too long, I tried so hard to stay
Flirting with limbo
Until I could bend no more
I could not stretch my hands further
Running at super sonic speed one day I crashed into my father
I found him when I went wandering
Through the meadows of nature
And it hit me that this was painted by his brush and
All the bumping and jiving
The sneaking, the lying
The sex and reckless driving
The tree and long islands
Could not compare to the feeling of freedom I got that day when I lift my eyes up
Fresh water streaked down my cheeks
And collected into a puddle reflecting my whole life
Mirroring the emptiness
The bitter loneliness that all along I’d tried to hide back when
I was driven by my passion and desire
To feel loved
But the good news is that I let it all go
And I died today
And the world could go up in flames
And I wouldn’t batt a lash
Because of the many they put on His back
I’m free and forever an heir
And there’s no chance of me turning to salt
Cause there’s no looking back from here
Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”
It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.
Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.
So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.
Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.
I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:
“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.
So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.