HH: Heaven’s Hotlines, this is Angel speaking, what’s your emergency?
Sua: I’m caught in the rain.
You know they say when it rains it pours. And that’s the truth. I’m caught in the rain right now. literally and figuratively. It’s pouring down hard, freezing cold rain today. And it’s been a domino affect of things going wrong in my life since last weeks high. Last week I was on fire! I was so joyful, full of the holy spirit. How did I run out of fuel so abruptly? I prayed. I read the Bible. And still, I wasn’t ready.
I’d say the high came down after church yesterday. I felt the holy spirit dancing through me and just filling me up in service. It was beautiful, I didn’t want it to end. But it did. And then I was silent. Didn’t feel like I could talk to my best friend. It was strange. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t find the words to say how I was feeling and honestly I was just tired of being misunderstood. Also I was just physically exhausted from the nonstop week I’d had. So I get home, and by the grace of God am able to talk to a friend. He was understanding and made me smile and laugh. It was nice. fastforward–
I wake up this morning again to chaos.I think because I was so consumed with God and praying and singing and dancing and all I really wasn’t in touch with the reality of my life right now. I can never just be a typical student who’s biggest worry is passing the next exam. No. There are so many things going on in my life alllllll of the time, that I wasn’t affected by spiritually, because of the faith I have in God. However, As much as I’d like to just laugh at the devil and shrug him off. He is quite powerful. And apparently has sent a storm my way.
I was shocked when I wrote in my iPhone notes all the things that had recently happened to me/I had to do/ had to figure out. Recent as of 1-2 days ago up until the past hour. I won’t even begin to list but most of them are really serious. And I cant believe I’d “out-of-sight/ out-of-mind”ed everything. My favorite cousin actually commended me on “dealing with all the noise well” but am I really dealing with it well?
When I was talking to my best friend and her boyfriend they were telling me about how the world and God are polar opposites. You have to choose one. And they’ve chosen to seperate themselves from this world/society. I on the other hand, see the world as beautiful. Full of love and light and God. So I want to be a part of it. I want to enjoy my life here. BUT as of today, as I was walking through the rain, the freezing rain, I realized how reckless or idealistic I’d been. And now, I don’t think they’re completely wrong, but I’m definitely not right. It’s about balance.
I had no balance these past 17 days of the month. I’d completely disregarded all the emotional, familial, financial and just career/school hardships I was facing/would soon be facing. I don’t think you can ever rid yourself of responsibilities or ignore the fact that you are of this world. But you can’t get so wrapped up in the things of this world because of the sin and darkness present everywhere. So COMO LIKE how do you achieve that balance?
I drove past a car on Saturday and it’s license plate was Psalm 91. And so I finally read it after sulking Sunday evening. It was so true! It was comforting. Because yes “The lord is truly my refuge and my fortress.” And no I don’t want to worry about the “terror of night” nor the “arrow that flieth by day” or “the destruction that wasteth by noonday” but I’m human. And I do. I do worry. And I love that experience I had in the world that led me to this poetic and powerful verse, but it doesn’t tell you how to not worry. I mean, I too trust God. I know he loves me. And I know that when you pray on something then still worry, ultimately that means you doubt God. And I don’t! but again. I’m reminded of my humanity.
Basically I’m not filled with joy today. And I’m really trying but, when it rains it pours. Can only hope the sun comes back out tomorrow. I’ve learned to pray at times I find myself wanting to complain so that’s what I’m gonna do. That’s all I can do.