Tag Archives: Faith

True Life: the laughter

dialing…i woke up feeling so full today
it was a great week!
I did everything I said I wanted to do 
And i had so much fun doing it

I’m really just here for a good time
I mean i want to feel all of the feels of course
And go deep 
I wanna feel that feeling!
That passion, that intensity, that heat!

(Word to B)

i am just so grateful to be around people who almost every single time we interact 
there is laughter 
I love people who just have good banter
light hearted 
easy going 
and witty 
I love laughing and leaning into someone’s shoulder
I love watching someone’s veins pop out of their neck or their eyes start tearing up with laughter
I just adore that exchange 
When someone has a long drawn out laugh
Or when someone looks over at me, who is still cracking up laughing, wit the side eye like “ard it wasn’t that funny!” Hahahaha 
Omg i just love it 

I’m having a really good time
And i love having the mantra, mentality and faith that “this too shall pass” because it will
It keeps me mentally in balance 
Because it’s real 
Everything is temporary
Bad times don’t last forever baby 
And neither do the good times
So when things are good, I’m completely submerged in those moments
I’m soaking as much love and joy and peace and zen and comfort as possible out of these moments 
this is my life’s fuel
I’m grateful 
staying grateful keeps me grounded and humble
And I just gotta say I am so beyond thankful for the laughs
The laughs wit my students
Laughs wit my coworkers
Laughs wit my friends + family 
Even laughs over text message 

I’ve decided I’m just gonna laugh my way through the pressure *harlem shakes* ☎️

True Life: to live and to love

So a few years ago I decided on the sort of lifestyle that I want to live. I want to be a person of integrity. Someone who is just honest and free. Someone who is devoted. Devoted to my love of God. Devoted to serving others, growing my brain and living out my life’s purpose. I find that when I am able to fulfill my life’s passions, my spirit is fully free and at ease. I’m just here to love and spread as much love as I can. My creativity gives me agency to achieve that. The gift of creativity is so powerful. And I realized that the reason I’m here is deeper than I know. But I choose to be obedient to the spirit. As a deeply spiritual person who is always striving to experience connection, I realized I can’t just do the same things that most people that I know do. Especially pertaining to social experiences and who i spend my time with. I’m just trying as much as possible to be only surrounded by people who I can be myself entirely. Free to be who i am without apology and without having to ask permission. Free to make mistakes and still receive grace. To feel seen, heard, respected and valued mutually. I’m a sensitive person. Something I’ve been scarlet lettered as since I was a young child. Always “too sensitive” but I feel so empowered to be a highly sensitive person. What a superhero type strength. I’m so in-tune with my senses that I am really able to have such a beautiful experience in life. The ability to be observant, to stay curious, to notice and wonder.

Knowing the sort of life I desire, I am always striving to build such a practice that it becomes second nature to live like this. I love feeling connected to nature and to experience a real love and soul connection to other people. So I do something every single day that keeps me mindful, present and grounded into sustaining that reality. I really struggled with anxiety for most of my childhood into adolescence. A crippling anxiety. I got a head full of traumas but with God there is always healing and restoration. And although my healing journey started with a lot of antidepressants and antipsychotics, I was always eager to find natural ways of healing. Through my daily practices of nutrients, prayer, reading, meditating and writing, I’ve been able to become a master of myself. I have a ton of self care activities that i swap out as needed. This has helped me so much. I know how to take inventory of my needs, capacities and deficiencies but also because it’s like I know and love me from the inside out now, enforcing boundaries are a lot more seamless. That’s been the game changer. I just want a life of comfort. Every single day I’m just practicing to be able to have the most comfortable and joyful experience. Certain things in life are just sacred. So really honoring my temple has changed my idea about why I’m here and how I’d like to spend my time.

I think that living is an artistic experience. And we are all creators. Being in nature is so inspiring and being able to apply wisdoms we find every day just by being in nature radically changes lives. Even through all of life’s inevitable challenges, life is always beautiful. And I try as much as possible to stay grateful for all of the beautiful things that bring me peace, love and joy. This is the only way I know how to increase my awareness, vibrations and frequency.☎️

True Life: The Present Is A Present

What a gift it is
Eyes wide
joys of tearing up even
Slouched in the passenger seat
The moon is on our side 
And the night air is cool 
The music’s volume too 
Even moments of silence
Are still moments with you 

What a gift it is
To see someone in their element
To be quiet and left alone
To breathe and to live like all we have is right now
Cause all we do have is right now
There’s nothing that we can change about what happened before
And no sense worrying about the future
Especially when most things are out of our control 
Living intentionally doesn’t mean having everything planned out
its nice to have an idea, a sketch
We let the spirits guide and the energy flow
Being intentional also means letting go
It means to be so vigilant about time spent
That you won’t even waste a minute doing anything or surrounded by anyone who is not aligned with your energy

We all are on different wavelengths
Since I was younger I could never make sense
Of how some people don’t see color in their minds
And their thoughts don’t constantly play a game of Tetris 
summer salting through the pressure
But I’ve come to accept that I’m in a league of my own
Cut from an ancient cloth
Birthed in an ancient ocean
A hugger of trees 
People who know me, they know
What it means for me to be me
to be here
To be still
To look someone in their eye
And just be real
To speak to someone who just makes sense
They give you something that you can just feel 

What a gift it is
I could die in this moment
life is precious
but I wouldn’t look back and change a thing
Because the freedom I’ve found in the power of now
Keeps my heart roaming
Rather beating
808’s are forever
And right now, these moments they keep me
Just keep me, still me
Liberation of my inner me
It’s undeniable 
That being present in the moment 
it’s all that I have the capacity for these days
And is honestly where I rather be ☎️

True Life: Rituals

My livelihood absolutely depends on my rituals. I practice mantra, take meds, breath work, workout, affirmation and self preservation daily. These are the things that keep me. I’m in a place of my life where there is a lot going on. There’s friend challenges, family emergencies, grief, work deliverables/pressures. It’s a lot. Any time I get out of my daily routine I know things are not going well. It’s only been 3 days like this but that’s totally off for me.

So I practice being self aware and taking inventory. I adjust accordingly. I have to reset some of my rituals. The way I speak to myself. The people I spend my time with right now. And what i do to cleanse. Currently taking a break from social media has been a great choice. Distancing myself from friends and family who have triggered an anxiety/trauma response. Again, good choice. But i need a cleanse. For me the equivalence of using sage or palo santo to cleanse a space comes in the form of a shower. It is the only way I can get all that stuff off of me. All the labels and the expectations and the negative energy. It is the only way I can lift my light back up. It’s a cleanse of my temple but also spiritually it’s my way of telling myself “hey girl, ur not perfect no matter how much ppl might romanticize you or hold you on this pedestal. You are who you are. And you are a good person. You don’t deserve to be held hostage by the things that you cannot change. There is no sense in holding onto regret. Or ruminating on obsessive thoughts about coulda shoulda woulda’s. You deserve water. Freedom. A good cry. A good laugh. A hug. Some healing. You are worthy of the same love you so freely give others”

And i lather myself in that affirmation from head to toe. A relief cascades over me because I’m not just meditating over those words; I believe them. Another ritual I have to practice has been asking for help. I have a close relationship with my psychiatrist who i have known for 10+ years. She understands me, and my heart. And she looks out for things that most people in my support system don’t know to look for. She has my back. So taking my meds are a ritual and sometimes some meds have to be cycled back into rotation or phased out depending on life’s stressors at that moment. I used to see this as a measurement of failure. In mental health the view is like if you don’t have to take meds that’s “great” and if you do have to take meds that’s “bad” especially depending on how many meds you have to take. The stigma gets worse the more meds you have to take. Now, believe me, that is totally irrational. There is no way to say that because someone is on 3 meds and someone is on 1 that makes one better than the other. It’s a horrible stigma. And I know with all the things happening in life right now my anxiety is at an all-time high so I have to cycle back into taking an anxiety PRN. And that is okay. I just thank God that I know myself well enough to gauge my needs. And do what i need to do to take care of me. ☎️

To My Future Valentine

Our love would model the universal design of loving
This love will require visuals, music, bold print,
aromatherapy, magnetic sand, highlighters, graphic organizers,
manipulatives, accommodations
modifications even
You’d love me like slow cooking soul food
And yes some times it would require headphones
low lights, candles and a soft touch
You would rub my scalp and play with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck
We’d laugh together mostly but know when to be serious and express the depths of the truths in our heads
We’d play rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s turn it was to do the dishes next
And sometimes I’d just let you win
And you’d end up helping me dry and put them away anyways
You’d hold the door for me
You’d compliment me
And would never forget a “thank you”
Yes, my love, we’d love
The sort of love where I could see my life in your eyes
Not my future life
Not a bigger house
Not a new job
Not even some future kids
But I’d see you seeing me and loving me for who I am
Right now
Not for what I can be
Not for what I can give
And we’d nurture that love and keep growing and growing it in the same direction together
Because we prepared for this
Yes, AI, we are talking about practice
We have practiced
Look at your palms beloved,
You see those two lines that start out separate and then join into one very thick, intertwined line?
That is us…that is our story
Lord knows how many lovers and losses it cost us
It scarred us
But my future valentine,
I would heal you with the water
And you would heal me with the earth
My interests and passions would matter
Not necessarily because you share the same ones but because you’d be so enamored at how I light up doing what I love
And I’d study you
I’d take the time to learn your love language and so would you
until our love became fluently bilingual
My love,
I would shower you with the live sony orchestra version of my hearts song
Spatial audio of course so you’d hear all the strings, drums, keys, the guitar
you’d notice that this,
this was your song all along
A song you’d innately been humming the same melody to although you thought the tune was gone
We’d both bring bags of our own life’s traumas… that yeah, we need to sort through
but we’d keep them in the garage so that nothing would come in between us
Our best would fluctuate each day
Some days we’d finish each others sentences and do something spontaneous
Other days we’d be doing our own things, alone, but always together;
somehow connected
We’d communicate
And we’d both want it to be this way
With such a giving spirit, we’d generously fill each others cups
We’d be overflowing
We’d be the something sweet after dinner
We’d be the electrolytes the next day after drinking
We’d be like when that one cafeteria lady would give you a little extra gravy on those mashed potatoes we’d eat in school during thanksgiving season
We would always be swaying
When we are out doing our own thing nobody would ever ask you “where’s ab?” Because they’d see me right there inside of you
We’d spend all of our days loving completely and learning when to pivot
When to adjust
When to go harder
When to maintenance
When to kiss each other all over
When to practice patience
When to be quiet
When one of us just needs to sit in silence under the covers
When one of us is hungover
When one of us just needs to be around some love
When enough is enough
We’d be there
And we’d never have to beg
We’d never have to go too long without each other
I’d never be ashamed of my disorders because even with all that I come with, your hands are large enough to hold on
we’d love freely,
open and honest

Yes love, this is the sort of love that lives in my head.
So I wrote it down so I can manifest it into my reality instead.

Sweeping In The Room

let it out
wailing really
snot flowing as you release deep tears
cry out loud 
let it out
let it go
there’s a reason for how things flow
there is also a calling
a calling for me
a calling for you 
a calling for more 
but what is surrounding you?
why can’t you move on?
holding on to the pain
the same pain that was supposed to teach 
you how to feel again
the pain that woke you up to the reality of who you are
of where you are
the pain that consumes and convinces you 
that you don’t belong here
and you have nothing of value
did you forget who’s you are?
that defeating mindset 
didn’t you know that that pain was supposed to change you?
Something is shifting
Change is coming
you are set apart
you can’t be where everybody be
do what everybody do
eat what everybody eat 
and move how everybody move
you are a vessel
you will be used
you can be new
there is a message
deep within you God has been nearing
he has been molding 
twisting and turning
brewing and stewing in you 
don’t act like you don’t feel it too 
for every time that you were rejected
taken advantage of…
He’s been right there, all along
why can’t you accept Him?
let everything else go
let it go
let his presence fill your room
and his healing sweep it clean
all those things you’ve been used to
the things you lean on
the habits you know don’t serve you
can’t serve you
won’t you let it go?
wont you try something new?
won’t you free yourself
from Him is where you’ll find your help
If only you’d open up your eyes
why won’t you take the time to understand the signs
Discern the way that you move in this world
There is a frequency beyond 
So get ready
Be prepared 
sharpen your spirits eye
and let God

Laugh Til We Cry

A, bb appreciation prose 🌹

Death to the Flesh

I died today
For much too long, I tried so hard to stay
Flirting with limbo
Until I could bend no more
I could not stretch my hands further

Running at super sonic speed one day I crashed into my father

I found him when I went wandering
Through the meadows of nature
And it hit me that this was painted by his brush and
All the bumping and jiving
The sneaking, the lying
The sex and reckless driving
The tree and long islands
Could not compare to the feeling of freedom I got that day when I lift my eyes up

Fresh water streaked down my cheeks
And collected into a puddle reflecting my whole life
Mirroring the emptiness
The bitter loneliness that all along I’d tried to hide back when
I was driven by my passion and desire
To feel loved
Feel happy
Feel wanted
Feel something

But the good news is that I let it all go
And I died today
And the world could go up in flames
And I wouldn’t batt a lash
Because of the many they put on His back
I’m free and forever an heir
And there’s no chance of me turning to salt
Cause there’s no looking back from here

Heaven as a Hotline

So I just had a moment.

Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”

It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.

Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.

So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.

Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.

What’s keeping you Alive?

I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:

“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.

So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.