A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
I died today
For much too long, I tried so hard to stay
Flirting with limbo
Until I could bend no more
I could not stretch my hands further
Running at super sonic speed one day I crashed into my father
I found him when I went wandering
Through the meadows of nature
And it hit me that this was painted by his brush and
All the bumping and jiving
The sneaking, the lying
The sex and reckless driving
The tree and long islands
Could not compare to the feeling of freedom I got that day when I lift my eyes up
Fresh water streaked down my cheeks
And collected into a puddle reflecting my whole life
Mirroring the emptiness
The bitter loneliness that all along I’d tried to hide back when
I was driven by my passion and desire
To feel loved
But the good news is that I let it all go
And I died today
And the world could go up in flames
And I wouldn’t batt a lash
Because of the many they put on His back
I’m free and forever an heir
And there’s no chance of me turning to salt
Cause there’s no looking back from here
So I just had a moment.
Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”
It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.
Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.
So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.
Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.
I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:
“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.
So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.
So resilient she was born
with a fragile stamp mistakenly
placed on her forehead
And she has scars
But even the invisible wounds can’t tear her apart
From the start,
she fought with a strength
with a passion for life and with unwavering faith
She, in all her glory and clothed in all His grace
Short but tall
Frail yet strong
She will never fall
Come storms, come hail, come all enemies far and long
She won’t be broken
Because He lies within her
The hope and love needed to sustain
He provides it all so surely
she will be great
And she will recover all upon the break of dawn.
(Inspired by Psalm 46:5)
HH: Heaven’s Hotlines, this is Angel speaking, what’s your emergency?
Sua: I’m caught in the rain.
You know they say when it rains it pours. And that’s the truth. I’m caught in the rain right now. literally and figuratively. It’s pouring down hard, freezing cold rain today. And it’s been a domino affect of things going wrong in my life since last weeks high. Last week I was on fire! I was so joyful, full of the holy spirit. How did I run out of fuel so abruptly? I prayed. I read the Bible. And still, I wasn’t ready.
I’d say the high came down after church yesterday. I felt the holy spirit dancing through me and just filling me up in service. It was beautiful, I didn’t want it to end. But it did. And then I was silent. Didn’t feel like I could talk to my best friend. It was strange. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t find the words to say how I was feeling and honestly I was just tired of being misunderstood. Also I was just physically exhausted from the nonstop week I’d had. So I get home, and by the grace of God am able to talk to a friend. He was understanding and made me smile and laugh. It was nice. fastforward–
I wake up this morning again to chaos.I think because I was so consumed with God and praying and singing and dancing and all I really wasn’t in touch with the reality of my life right now. I can never just be a typical student who’s biggest worry is passing the next exam. No. There are so many things going on in my life alllllll of the time, that I wasn’t affected by spiritually, because of the faith I have in God. However, As much as I’d like to just laugh at the devil and shrug him off. He is quite powerful. And apparently has sent a storm my way.
I was shocked when I wrote in my iPhone notes all the things that had recently happened to me/I had to do/ had to figure out. Recent as of 1-2 days ago up until the past hour. I won’t even begin to list but most of them are really serious. And I cant believe I’d “out-of-sight/ out-of-mind”ed everything. My favorite cousin actually commended me on “dealing with all the noise well” but am I really dealing with it well?
When I was talking to my best friend and her boyfriend they were telling me about how the world and God are polar opposites. You have to choose one. And they’ve chosen to seperate themselves from this world/society. I on the other hand, see the world as beautiful. Full of love and light and God. So I want to be a part of it. I want to enjoy my life here. BUT as of today, as I was walking through the rain, the freezing rain, I realized how reckless or idealistic I’d been. And now, I don’t think they’re completely wrong, but I’m definitely not right. It’s about balance.
I had no balance these past 17 days of the month. I’d completely disregarded all the emotional, familial, financial and just career/school hardships I was facing/would soon be facing. I don’t think you can ever rid yourself of responsibilities or ignore the fact that you are of this world. But you can’t get so wrapped up in the things of this world because of the sin and darkness present everywhere. So COMO LIKE how do you achieve that balance?
I drove past a car on Saturday and it’s license plate was Psalm 91. And so I finally read it after sulking Sunday evening. It was so true! It was comforting. Because yes “The lord is truly my refuge and my fortress.” And no I don’t want to worry about the “terror of night” nor the “arrow that flieth by day” or “the destruction that wasteth by noonday” but I’m human. And I do. I do worry. And I love that experience I had in the world that led me to this poetic and powerful verse, but it doesn’t tell you how to not worry. I mean, I too trust God. I know he loves me. And I know that when you pray on something then still worry, ultimately that means you doubt God. And I don’t! but again. I’m reminded of my humanity.
Basically I’m not filled with joy today. And I’m really trying but, when it rains it pours. Can only hope the sun comes back out tomorrow. I’ve learned to pray at times I find myself wanting to complain so that’s what I’m gonna do. That’s all I can do.