I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:
“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.
So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.
Sometimes you go through things in life that seem to derail you from your path so much that you wonder, what am I doing here? Like how did I get to this place and what is the purpose. What am I supposed to be doing. I know where I want to be but how do I get there. All of these things run through your mind and things can be incredibly discouraging. You start to feel like why am I alive. What have I done. Am I important. What am I doing that’s important. Especially with people all around you flaunting their accomplishments and successes everywhere you look.
In life there will always be obstacles. The struggle is the same as time progresses, however, there is a purpose through each struggle. And this purpose helps you to figure out who you are and what your ultimate purpose is, as well as gets you closer to God. Because your faith will be tested each time. You will be tried and tested and for some it’s a battle between doubt and worry. God wants to know that you will rely on him and seek refuge in him through anything. And mostly that you will put him first through everything.
So I’m telling you, let go of all of that nonsense.
I have a song that I sing sometimes when I worship and it varies each time I sing it but one line that I always sing is that “You make me brand new; you do. time and time again its always you.” And today I’m feeling brand new. anew. renewed. Life in this world can become so consuming and it’s so easy to starve yourself spiritually and get caught up in the things you have to do such as school and work etc. Well I’ve had the unique privilege of having a lot more time to dedicate to my spirituality. the perception of my life right now may be that i’m going through a storm as I am 3 classes away from graduating however had to take a semester off due to financial reasons. And while sometimes when thinking about this I become incredibly frustrated and often times upset. I do not worry. I do not worry because I trust in God and I know he has a plan for my life. And today I have been made brand new. I have a brand new attitude, brand new smile and perspective. because I’m comforted by this. See, in the beginning when I was having these problems I was running to people to help me figure it out, though I prayed and even fasted in regard to this issue. I still did not give it all to God and trust that hes got it figured out.
I can’t even begin to express how I’ve found my peace of mind through this storm in my life. John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” And I know for me this verse was really comforting and made a lot of sense. There’s no person who can find the solutions to my problems like He can so why would I put my trusts and hope in men? It’s incredibly foolish. Because people will always disappoint you but He never will.
The whole worrying about nothing, praying about all things has been therapeutic for me. It’s like I can’t carry these burdens in my life but my savior can so I trust Him to figure things out. And I know He will always do so in my favor. It feels good to be made to feel brand new. And to feel hopeful and optimistic about your future. Just keep praying and feed your soul by remaining faithful and thankful for all you have and all He’s done in your life.
I fell on bended knees weeping with hurt and sadness all around me all the bad, darkness and the heartbreaks of yesterday’s consuming my mental Father, I can’t even look you in your eyes my shame and guilt have led me blind But with my head hanging down I cling to your feet Because you’re the only good thing that I know The only one to whom I can go But why do I allow these people to hurt me so?
Queen, get up.
My daughter go spend time with me
laugh and sing and talk freely
For it’s only I who can interpret that song your heart sings
Only I can heal that pain he brings
And look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
And that brilliant sparkling smile
And go on with your life
You are so much more than this
I planned more for you than to just exist
Trust in me and you’ll be free
And I promise that in my love,
you will truly find peace
So stand strong
For I am the foundation you are built on.
Every time you stumble, or choke on the sin-filled air of this world; I will breathe you back to life.
Daughter, you have to know that,
Your beautiful soul is worth dying
So be still and stop all your crying.
For indeed you know who I am.
The Conquering Lion.
I remember seriously struggling to learn and focus in the classroom when I was younger. I was in ESOL classes and lower level classes until I had this one teacher, Mrs. Penland, who stepped in and change my life. She was truly gifted at her job of teaching. She was also deeply passionate and took a real liking to myself and my family. So she would teach me after hours and even take me to her house sometimes and she really dedicated a lot of time to helping me prosper. Now this transition didn’t happen immediately, but I remember the time I got placed into Gifted and Talented (GT) classes. GT classes distinguished students with gifts and talents from those who were average or seemingly un-gifted or talented. Now when I think about the kind of division the schools I attended created it’s kind of sad because God has given us all unique gifts independent from one another. However, just as being placed in GT classes gave me great confidence in myself academically, I remember when I wasn’t in those classes and the derogatory feeling of hopelessness that overcame me. I felt like there was nothing special about me. I felt I’d never be good enough.
Well in Romans 12:6 it says that by the grace of God we each have a gift. Meaning God intentionally gave each of us a different gift on purpose and that we all play a very important role in our ultimate goal here on earth which is to spread the gospel of Christ and His love. Now understanding this, I see how negligent schools are in making students feel un-gifted or incompetent. And I think that’s one of the worse things you could do to a kid’s spirit. Its just an unrelenting crushing of self-esteem and confidence for years and years. If you tell a kid they’re a bad kid, they will produce badness for that is all that they can hear that they’re good at. Similarly, if you tell a kid they are good they will produce goodness because they can hear that they’re good at being good.
I was really compelled to dial up heavens hotlines today because I really do believe that I’m gifted and talented. Not because some school placed me there but because He placed it in my heart. I feel like I’m gifted at infecting love wherever I go and I’m talented at working with kids. Who knows, I might have 3,4,5,6 million other gifts. But I know that I’m special. And I’m really honored to have the gifts and talents that I do because, when you decide to use them and put them to use for good or the betterment of others, it feels so rewarding and fulfilling. I just hope people don’t let their gifts and talents to waste. Like Dr. Seuss said no one is youer than you, so why not do you and show everyone what you can do?
This has been the most trying year for some of my closest friendships. I began having rough patches with friends who have been in my life consistently for 9 years plus, some even longer, and we’d never had an argument before. All of my life I’ve had seasonal friendships. And surface level friendships. Because I always had a fear on getting close to anyone for fear that they’d abandon me like had happen to me so many times in my life. So whenever there was a problem or distance came in between us, for the most part it was easy just to let go and move on. But like a wise woman told me, some people are worth fighting for. So, though it was really rough and really difficult and took patience and time, I feel like all the falling outs I’ve had with some of my bestfriends has added character to our relationships and I feel them bouncing back to hopefully be even greater than they were before. I grew deeper relationships with all of my friends this year though. People I have known for years really didn’t know much about me because I’ve always bottled everything in. But this year I’ve used my vulnerability as a strength and really pushed myself to be and remain open. This brought so many of us closer. Additionally, I made new friends this year even though I told myself I didn’t care to. And not superficial new friendships, I mean like we’re really close lol I see them being a part of my life for a long time you know. So to my friends: I LOVE YALL! You all deserve dozens and dozens of roses and one day when I’m wealthy you will be physically receiving them. Shakila, Vanissa, Lo, Eyezayuh, Mariah, Sharice, Wayne, Cheria (Cherry gyal)- Thank you. I love you all so dearly. You’ve all stuck by me through so much and I’m so fortunate to have you. Amechi, Diana, Jasmyn (Floetic Justice), Shehariah, Alex, Herman,
Morgan, Natalie, Robin, Donald, G- Some of you I’ve known for a while, some are very new, but ALL of you I feel we’ve deepened our relationship and yall are just so awesome. Thanks for making 2014 such a huge joy to me!
Family- I love my family more than anything. But it’s been rough for us. We’re all over the place and we’ve been through a lot. But I just wanted to thank God for bringing my little sister/soul sister Chocolate back into my life after being separated for 7 years! She means the world to me. There are no words to explain our relationship. But you are my heart. And I just wanted to add that, familial love should never be situational. You have to love your family even when you hate them because they are all you have. When I look at each and everyone of my family members, near or far, I see myself. We are one. We are a tree. So In 2015 I would love to see my familial bonds not only with me and everyone, but actually between everyone, strengthen and grow!
A lot of badness happened this year on the news. From police brutality to high profil sexual assault cases. If someone were to turn on the news, who was not familiar with America at all, they’d think this country is seriously heading for huge disaster. And though it does really appear that way, I’ve been imagining a world where we had at least one news channel that highlighted “Good news!” You know? Like it could begin with an enthusiastic breakdown of the weather and even as it got coler, it would still be a happy forecast because the sun never leaves us ever. Yet we give it hardly any attention except in the summer. Then reporters could report about graduations and new medical advances like the male birth control. It could show some of the beautiful relationships we’ve built with other countries or even highlight community heroes. And this is non-stop. They really limit us. And you know what you think, so shall you be. So if all were hearing about is rape, racism, killing for example- that’s all that is going to continue to happen disproportionately in this country ya know? Every news station reports the same news. It’s time for a change. Give us options. And if you wont, I will. This has become a new dream of mine. I don’t particularly care about news or politics much but I do care strongly care about mental health, and I feel this could dramatically increase the happiness of people in this country. We are constantly surrounding by negativity. And though I keep up to date with current events, I rarely watch the news. I’m not saying these issues should not be highlight, they have to be. I’m just saying lets add some versatility. So this is one of my future goals/dreams for my future.
Speaking of future. I have recently grasped the concept of the power of what we say and what we think. I think I had always been reluctant to dream big or plan in advance more than a week. In fact I embraced my impulsivity and spontaneity. I flaunted the fact that I wake up and do no thing the same way I did the day before besides hygiene related things. I’m young. And I’m learning. So now I feel like, thanks to my newly strengthened faith in God as well as my current partner, that I want to dream big! And wild! And huge! I want to really visualize who and where I will be in my future. I still feel there is no more important time than now, but now that I’m better understanding the grace of God I think its more than okay and actually wise to plan for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year. I’m really amazed by my growth. 2013 was the darkest year I’d ever had in my life. And 2014 was the lightest I’ve ever experienced in my life. So I know 2015 can only be even more amazing!