Our love would model the universal design of loving This love will require visuals, music, bold print, aromatherapy, magnetic sand, highlighters, graphic organizers, manipulatives, accommodations modifications even You’d love me like slow cooking soul food And yes some times it would require headphones low lights, candles and a soft touch You would rub my scalp and play with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck We’d laugh together mostly but know when to be serious and express the depths of the truths in our heads We’d play rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s turn it was to do the dishes next And sometimes I’d just let you win And you’d end up helping me dry and put them away anyways You’d hold the door for me You’d compliment me And would never forget a “thank you” Yes, my love, we’d love The sort of love where I could see my life in your eyes Not my future life Not a bigger house Not a new job Not even some future kids But I’d see you seeing me and loving me for who I am Right now Not for what I can be Not for what I can give And we’d nurture that love and keep growing and growing it in the same direction together Because we prepared for this Yes, AI, we are talking about practice We have practiced Look at your palms beloved, You see those two lines that start out separate and then join into one very thick, intertwined line? That is us…that is our story Lord knows how many lovers and losses it cost us It scarred us But my future valentine, I would heal you with the water And you would heal me with the earth My interests and passions would matter Not necessarily because you share the same ones but because you’d be so enamored at how I light up doing what I love And I’d study you I’d take the time to learn your love language and so would you until our love became fluently bilingual My love, I would shower you with the live sony orchestra version of my hearts song Spatial audio of course so you’d hear all the strings, drums, keys, the guitar you’d notice that this, this was your song all along A song you’d innately been humming the same melody to although you thought the tune was gone We’d both bring bags of our own life’s traumas… that yeah, we need to sort through but we’d keep them in the garage so that nothing would come in between us Our best would fluctuate each day Some days we’d finish each others sentences and do something spontaneous Other days we’d be doing our own things, alone, but always together; somehow connected We’d communicate And we’d both want it to be this way With such a giving spirit, we’d generously fill each others cups We’d be overflowing We’d be the something sweet after dinner We’d be the electrolytes the next day after drinking We’d be like when that one cafeteria lady would give you a little extra gravy on those mashed potatoes we’d eat in school during thanksgiving season We would always be swaying When we are out doing our own thing nobody would ever ask you “where’s ab?” Because they’d see me right there inside of you Vibrating We’d spend all of our days loving completely and learning when to pivot When to adjust When to go harder When to maintenance When to kiss each other all over When to practice patience When to be quiet When one of us just needs to sit in silence under the covers When one of us is hungover When one of us just needs to be around some love When enough is enough We’d be there And we’d never have to beg We’d never have to go too long without each other I’d never be ashamed of my disorders because even with all that I come with, your hands are large enough to hold on we’d love freely, open and honest
Yes love, this is the sort of love that lives in my head. So I wrote it down so I can manifest it into my reality instead.
I was talking with a friend and she had some really kind things to say about me as we were having an hour-long heart to heart. She’s always encouraging me to use my vulnerability as a strength and to express myself. She said:
“You’re special. Like the energizer bunny who never gets tired but even when you are tired you’re still lively…You have this stamina this endurance that people need to know about. You are literally unbreakable… what’s keeping you alive?”
And I thought this question was quite profound. She went on to mention about my going through a lot of what I’d been through and still remaining hopeful and hungry to be alive. And now that I think about it it’s only God. It’s only my faith that keeps me going. And my unwavering belief that he has a plan for my life and it is good. To be able to trust in something full-heartedly and to believe that everything happens for His reason is comforting to me and is what keeps me going when things start to get tough.
So I wrote this poem called “I’m Alive” as sort of a response to her question and the way that I view my life.
I fell on bended knees weeping with hurt and sadness all around me all the bad, darkness and the heartbreaks of yesterday’s consuming my mental Father, I can’t even look you in your eyes my shame and guilt have led me blind But with my head hanging down I cling to your feet Because you’re the only good thing that I know The only one to whom I can go But why do I allow these people to hurt me so?
Queen, get up.
My daughter go spend time with me
laugh and sing and talk freely
For it’s only I who can interpret that song your heart sings
Only I can heal that pain he brings
And look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
And that brilliant sparkling smile
And go on with your life
You are so much more than this
I planned more for you than to just exist
Trust in me and you’ll be free
And I promise that in my love,
you will truly find peace
So stand strong
For I am the foundation you are built on.
Every time you stumble, or choke on the sin-filled air of this world; I will breathe you back to life.
Daughter, you have to know that,
Your beautiful soul is worth dying
So be still and stop all your crying.
For indeed you know who I am.
The Conquering Lion.
After being single for 5 years, and having only ever been in 1-real, committed relationship which lasted approx. 10 months, Love has found me again! And it’s not your ordinary love ok! My man is literally a superhero. And it feels so good to be with him. I’ve learned and grown and been exposed to SO much in so little time it’s like amazing to me. I always prayed that I would be with someone good. And I used to really cry because I felt like “WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LIKE ME?” and I’d always say “I THOUGHT I MADE MYSELF SO EASY TO LOVE!” but I was always the friend or the homie or ended up in these temporary situationships (FREQUENTLY! Lol) and honestly, I made a few reckless decisions this year because of my lack of patience. And went through some really serious things that often halt the lives of so many women. So I feel so blessed that I wasn’t broken and actually was blessed with this beautiful gift, that is Felix Darko. We are so connected. I knew I’d get someone GOOD one day because God is faithful, but wow! God really out-did himself with this one. I could’ve never dreamed of meeting a real man and actually become fortunate enough to bag him! Lol. He’s taught me things that have helped to shaped and changed my entire life. He’s helped me to work on my relationship with God even more and think positively and speak positively and fear not to dream without bounds. He’s also taught me a lot about forgiveness. I’m still working on all these things, but I feel I’ve been so trapped by my past and my pain that it’s never really even passed. (i.e: Erykah Badu’s- Bag Lady) That has been me my entire life. I’ve been a hoarder of all things good and bad and my back finally broke in 2013. But see God saved me and changed me! I’m happier than I’ve ever been. To think around this time I was contemplating and shockingly close to committing suicide… I’m so glad to be here. Life is so beautiful! The sun, the moon, the flowers. Everything is so beautiful. You just have to choose to see it. We have free will. So you live the life you choose. I’m so thankful I chose life and life chose me. Now THIS, this truly, is only the beginning! So thanks for following me on this journey and getting to know me. The real me.
This has been the most trying year for some of my closest friendships. I began having rough patches with friends who have been in my life consistently for 9 years plus, some even longer, and we’d never had an argument before. All of my life I’ve had seasonal friendships. And surface level friendships. Because I always had a fear on getting close to anyone for fear that they’d abandon me like had happen to me so many times in my life. So whenever there was a problem or distance came in between us, for the most part it was easy just to let go and move on. But like a wise woman told me, some people are worth fighting for. So, though it was really rough and really difficult and took patience and time, I feel like all the falling outs I’ve had with some of my bestfriends has added character to our relationships and I feel them bouncing back to hopefully be even greater than they were before. I grew deeper relationships with all of my friends this year though. People I have known for years really didn’t know much about me because I’ve always bottled everything in. But this year I’ve used my vulnerability as a strength and really pushed myself to be and remain open. This brought so many of us closer. Additionally, I made new friends this year even though I told myself I didn’t care to. And not superficial new friendships, I mean like we’re really close lol I see them being a part of my life for a long time you know. So to my friends: I LOVE YALL! You all deserve dozens and dozens of roses and one day when I’m wealthy you will be physically receiving them. Shakila, Vanissa, Lo, Eyezayuh, Mariah, Sharice, Wayne, Cheria (Cherry gyal)- Thank you. I love you all so dearly. You’ve all stuck by me through so much and I’m so fortunate to have you. Amechi, Diana, Jasmyn (Floetic Justice), Shehariah, Alex, Herman,
Morgan, Natalie, Robin, Donald, G- Some of you I’ve known for a while, some are very new, but ALL of you I feel we’ve deepened our relationship and yall are just so awesome. Thanks for making 2014 such a huge joy to me!
Family- I love my family more than anything. But it’s been rough for us. We’re all over the place and we’ve been through a lot. But I just wanted to thank God for bringing my little sister/soul sister Chocolate back into my life after being separated for 7 years! She means the world to me. There are no words to explain our relationship. But you are my heart. And I just wanted to add that, familial love should never be situational. You have to love your family even when you hate them because they are all you have. When I look at each and everyone of my family members, near or far, I see myself. We are one. We are a tree. So In 2015 I would love to see my familial bonds not only with me and everyone, but actually between everyone, strengthen and grow!
A lot of badness happened this year on the news. From police brutality to high profil sexual assault cases. If someone were to turn on the news, who was not familiar with America at all, they’d think this country is seriously heading for huge disaster. And though it does really appear that way, I’ve been imagining a world where we had at least one news channel that highlighted “Good news!” You know? Like it could begin with an enthusiastic breakdown of the weather and even as it got coler, it would still be a happy forecast because the sun never leaves us ever. Yet we give it hardly any attention except in the summer. Then reporters could report about graduations and new medical advances like the male birth control. It could show some of the beautiful relationships we’ve built with other countries or even highlight community heroes. And this is non-stop. They really limit us. And you know what you think, so shall you be. So if all were hearing about is rape, racism, killing for example- that’s all that is going to continue to happen disproportionately in this country ya know? Every news station reports the same news. It’s time for a change. Give us options. And if you wont, I will. This has become a new dream of mine. I don’t particularly care about news or politics much but I do care strongly care about mental health, and I feel this could dramatically increase the happiness of people in this country. We are constantly surrounding by negativity. And though I keep up to date with current events, I rarely watch the news. I’m not saying these issues should not be highlight, they have to be. I’m just saying lets add some versatility. So this is one of my future goals/dreams for my future.
Speaking of future. I have recently grasped the concept of the power of what we say and what we think. I think I had always been reluctant to dream big or plan in advance more than a week. In fact I embraced my impulsivity and spontaneity. I flaunted the fact that I wake up and do no thing the same way I did the day before besides hygiene related things. I’m young. And I’m learning. So now I feel like, thanks to my newly strengthened faith in God as well as my current partner, that I want to dream big! And wild! And huge! I want to really visualize who and where I will be in my future. I still feel there is no more important time than now, but now that I’m better understanding the grace of God I think its more than okay and actually wise to plan for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year. I’m really amazed by my growth. 2013 was the darkest year I’d ever had in my life. And 2014 was the lightest I’ve ever experienced in my life. So I know 2015 can only be even more amazing!