Tag Archives: free

Laugh Til We Cry

A, bb appreciation prose 🌹

The Life of The Band-Aid

Recently, I have been showered in words of affirmation
As if I’m a magical being, from a magical space
People have poured out beautiful words
that have completely elevated my appreciation for who I am
I have been told anything between “you have a beautiful mind” to “I wish I had a you”
This has touched me, deeply
Not in a “this is new to me” sort of way more so a “you see me”
-Sort of way
It is easy to feel invisible when you feel that your life’s purpose is to help others
Be there
Aid others
And it seems that when they see you all they tend to see you for is how you can help
________________________________________________
This is the life of a band-aid
A natural supporter of anything good and everything they love
We are the band aid’s
The ones who show up
The ones who spend countless of unaccounted hours holding on
Pouring
And listening
Always listening
We are the band aid’s
the one’s you keep behind your mirror in the bathroom
For the just “in case’s”
But do you ever wonder, that band-aid’s might need band aid’s too?
As much of an honor it is to be one- we all need one
To be there
To kiss and make things all better
To receive love that they don’t have to ask for
To be held without having to instruct on how to hold
We, the band-aid’s
We do not need to be told
We identify pain
We offer support
We do not wait
_________________________________________
Can you imagine how much pain, and breaking and ripping and tearing
Shedding and molding and failing that it took for that band aid to even become?
How many times did the adhesive fall off
How many times did the water wash us away
The band aid is a blend of all the things people wish they could be
Society holds band-aids in the highest of esteem
But much like public school teachers
so few ever choose to remain
Because it is a thankless position
You are celebrated for being there, because the need is endless
Things get really tough a lot
and it is the band aid that does the hard work
The ugly work
The heavy lifting
But all cuts
Both in the deep and in the shallow-all heal in time
They all stop bleeding, eventually
And for a few moments, that band aid mends anything that may have tried to break you
It quite literally supports you so fiercely that it helps you to piece yourself back together
But what happens to the band aid?
It gets dirty
It gets soggy
It gets old
And then it gets discarded
Often before the cut even fully heals it gets replaced
__________________________________________________________
I am the band aid
I have always been the band-aid
It costs me nothing to love you
I find it easy to be there for you
I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
I am a giver.
In this life, it is important to identify what it is you practice
Because you get really good at anything you practice
As a band aid, I practice giving and gratitude
I practice unconditional love
Whether that love is reciprocal or not, it is what I practice
And I practice for free.
So that I can give for free.
I believe that you get what you give
I want unconditional love
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice vulnerability
It is all I have every wanted
I practice empathy
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice transparency
It is all I have ever wanted
I practice honesty
It is all I have every wanted
And most of all I practice joy

It is everything.

I am committed to healing myself
My nurturing and healing qualities allow me to be there
And I neither gain nor lose anything I have within me by doing so
Anyone that I love and believe in, it is easy to love you
It is easy math for me to be there
I manifested the person I want to be

And I know that I will receive everything I need and deserve, eventually

Creative Nonfiction

I’m so into it. Will be posting some pieces soon.

I’ll be doing something a little different with this blog and the poetry/prose/narratives I post. I’ll try to accompany them with an analysis if you will. I never feel compelled to justify my work because I do very much believe in poetic license and freedom but some of these are just too deep lol and require some context maybe for better understanding. Some of them won’t require as much but yeah. Let’s see how this goes.

She say, He say

Approximately this time a year ago, after being all stuffed up with like a million different kinds of antidepressants and antipsychotics, I gained the most weight I’d ever carried in my life. It was mostly due to the side effects of those meds but you know because mental health is virtually invisible it’s hard for people to understand that that’s not only very possible but actually very common. So anyways yeah I weighed in at a solid 170 pounds. One day I made the foolish mistake of posting a link to my anonymous like social media profile where people can ask you questions. Thinking people would ask me you know cool thought provoking questions. Oh was I in for a rude awakening. Almost every question was about my weight. Clearly a touchy subject for any woman especially those of us who live in this western world. And especially me someone who had been recovering from a serious health issue.

But you know, people can be cruel sometimes, there were a lot of hurtful statements said on there you know things like “damn Sua you used to be so pretty when you were small” “you really let yourself go” “damn! wtf happened to you” amongst some others I didn’t even have the heart to post. Now, I thank God that it was anonymous because I know the ppl posting those msgs were ppl I know and may even consider them to be a “friend”. So anyways that really broke my self esteem and confidence down. And those are two things my parents and I, worked so hard to build up in me since I was little. Hence why I began stepping in the 3rd grade. Or I was on debate teams. etc. these were fun to me but they all served a very intentional purpose of helping me to break out of my shyness and be confident in myself. And so you know having what 22 years under my belt now I know I’m not only a very confident woman but I’m very strong. So when I say that broke me, I hope you can really imagine how much mental damage that did to me. But anyways, I had already made the conscious declaration that I was going to make my happiness a priority and I was really motivated to lose the weight so you know I was in the gym for atleast 2 hours and I went just about 4-6 days a week. So yeah I was really working. Because I wanted to prove to myself that this was not entirely my fault and that I am gonna get back to my normal weight, but also I couldn’t WAIT to get slim so I could STUNT on those who had looked at me with those sad pitiful eyes or had you know said or even thought mean things toward me.

But then I started to think about why I cared so much. Some (though very few) thought I was really beautiful when I was big, some thought I looked ugly when I was small. People are so mixy! We all have different preferences. So you can’t choose to live your life based on other people’s standards of what is acceptable or beautiful. So I started to remember a time where you know ppl would compliment me on how tiny I was. Even when I was really sick and was weighing about 98 pounds you know in this country thin is in so it made me feel proud to be able to see my ribs or my collar bones. But now I realize that the mind is really a powerful and dangerous thing. And I asked myself. What do I want? What is beautiful to me? And then my mindset changed and I stopped going to the gym so much because my goal was no longer to be thin. My goal was to be healthy. Happy and healthy. So I eased up and now I can honestly say I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been both physically and mentally. Though I have a lot more to work on physically to improve my health, like with eating habits etc. Im still better than I’ve ever been. And mostly I feel better than ever. And I’m happy with me. I don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval or Instagram likes to love myself. It actually really amuses me to see how much more popular I’ve become now that people percieve me to be I guess pretty again. It’s laughable because people can be so superficial. What I will say is that im fortunate to have had a few good friends who stuck by me when I was big and they still treated me like the same Sua that I’ve always been. Like my actual facial features never changed so I never understood what ppl meant when they said I used to be pretty. I’ve always been pretty. And once I convinced myself of that I really could care less about what people had to say because I don’t live my life trying to please others anymore. Yes I really like to make people happy and smile and laugh. But I don’t depend on that to keep me happy anymore. Because even now that I’m slim ppl are still talking and saying oh she must be smoking weed again. Oh she looks sick. Oh she’s too small. Again. It’s laughable! People will always have something to say, and your job is not to shut them up because they’re gonna talk anyways. You just have to get free! And be you. Be who you want to be and who you love to be and then nobody can affect you.

So for people asking me what kind of workout I’ve been doing and I tell you I haven’t set foot in a gym in a little over 5 months and you think I’m lying let me tell you what’s helped me to get my physical to match my mental. I keep my faith strong. People cannot shake me. Even though I’m naturally emotional and sensitive hence my being a Cancer lol, that’s not something I am sensitive about anymore. Because I know I am beautifully and wonderfully made.