Tag Archives: hope

To My Future Valentine

Our love would model the universal design of loving
This love will require visuals, music, bold print,
aromatherapy, magnetic sand, highlighters, graphic organizers,
manipulatives, accommodations
modifications even
You’d love me like slow cooking soul food
And yes some times it would require headphones
low lights, candles and a soft touch
You would rub my scalp and play with the baby hairs on the nape of my neck
We’d laugh together mostly but know when to be serious and express the depths of the truths in our heads
We’d play rock, paper, scissors to decide who’s turn it was to do the dishes next
And sometimes I’d just let you win
And you’d end up helping me dry and put them away anyways
You’d hold the door for me
You’d compliment me
And would never forget a “thank you”
Yes, my love, we’d love
The sort of love where I could see my life in your eyes
Not my future life
Not a bigger house
Not a new job
Not even some future kids
But I’d see you seeing me and loving me for who I am
Right now
Not for what I can be
Not for what I can give
And we’d nurture that love and keep growing and growing it in the same direction together
Because we prepared for this
Yes, AI, we are talking about practice
We have practiced
Look at your palms beloved,
You see those two lines that start out separate and then join into one very thick, intertwined line?
That is us…that is our story
Lord knows how many lovers and losses it cost us
It scarred us
But my future valentine,
I would heal you with the water
And you would heal me with the earth
My interests and passions would matter
Not necessarily because you share the same ones but because you’d be so enamored at how I light up doing what I love
And I’d study you
I’d take the time to learn your love language and so would you
until our love became fluently bilingual
My love,
I would shower you with the live sony orchestra version of my hearts song
Spatial audio of course so you’d hear all the strings, drums, keys, the guitar
you’d notice that this,
this was your song all along
A song you’d innately been humming the same melody to although you thought the tune was gone
We’d both bring bags of our own life’s traumas… that yeah, we need to sort through
but we’d keep them in the garage so that nothing would come in between us
Our best would fluctuate each day
Some days we’d finish each others sentences and do something spontaneous
Other days we’d be doing our own things, alone, but always together;
somehow connected
We’d communicate
And we’d both want it to be this way
With such a giving spirit, we’d generously fill each others cups
We’d be overflowing
We’d be the something sweet after dinner
We’d be the electrolytes the next day after drinking
We’d be like when that one cafeteria lady would give you a little extra gravy on those mashed potatoes we’d eat in school during thanksgiving season
We would always be swaying
When we are out doing our own thing nobody would ever ask you “where’s ab?” Because they’d see me right there inside of you
Vibrating
We’d spend all of our days loving completely and learning when to pivot
When to adjust
When to go harder
When to maintenance
When to kiss each other all over
When to practice patience
When to be quiet
When one of us just needs to sit in silence under the covers
When one of us is hungover
When one of us just needs to be around some love
When enough is enough
We’d be there
And we’d never have to beg
We’d never have to go too long without each other
I’d never be ashamed of my disorders because even with all that I come with, your hands are large enough to hold on
we’d love freely,
open and honest

Yes love, this is the sort of love that lives in my head.
So I wrote it down so I can manifest it into my reality instead.

Sweeping In The Room

let it out
wailing really
snot flowing as you release deep tears
cry out loud 
let it out
let it go
there’s a reason for how things flow
there is also a calling
a calling for me
a calling for you 
a calling for more 
but what is surrounding you?
why can’t you move on?
holding on to the pain
the same pain that was supposed to teach 
you how to feel again
the pain that woke you up to the reality of who you are
of where you are
the pain that consumes and convinces you 
that you don’t belong here
and you have nothing of value
did you forget who’s you are?
that defeating mindset 
didn’t you know that that pain was supposed to change you?
Something is shifting
Change is coming
you are set apart
you can’t be where everybody be
do what everybody do
eat what everybody eat 
and move how everybody move
instead 
you are a vessel
you will be used
you can be new
there is a message
deep within you God has been nearing
he has been molding 
twisting and turning
brewing and stewing in you 
don’t act like you don’t feel it too 
for every time that you were rejected
disrespected
taken advantage of…
He’s been right there, all along
why can’t you accept Him?
let everything else go
let it go
let his presence fill your room
and his healing sweep it clean
all those things you’ve been used to
the things you lean on
the habits you know don’t serve you
can’t serve you
won’t you let it go?
wont you try something new?
won’t you free yourself
from Him is where you’ll find your help
If only you’d open up your eyes
why won’t you take the time to understand the signs
Discern the way that you move in this world
There is a frequency beyond 
So get ready
Be prepared 
sharpen your spirits eye
and let God

Laugh Til We Cry

A, bb appreciation prose 🌹

Heaven as a Hotline

So I just had a moment.

Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”

It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.

Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.

So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.

Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.

The Lamar Odom’s of the World

I’m concerned for the life of Lamar Odom and the perception of what he is going through. Mental health is so stigmatized and ignored that it becomes volcanic in the sense that people rarely pay attention until things have erupted. We have watched this man struggle with traumatic events and drugs for years now. But we’ve ignored a silent cry that our ears haven’t been conditioned to be able to hear.
I hope people aren’t deceived to believe that the drugs are the problem. It’s a by-product of the problem that has been suppressed by himself likely as a result of the culture and disregard for mental health issues in society. Like who does a person turn to? Better yet how do you translate a plethora of feelings and emotions in your mind and communicate that to someone who could potentially help? It’s instances like this that I’m reminded of my passion for bringing awareness to mental health. I want to create a space where people don’t feel alone. Where people can talk and recieve resources. It’s too important. I want to target the youth so that the generations behind me may have better opportunities of dealing with mental health as real and getting the help they deserve.
I told my dream to just a few people. It’s very specific. And I find myself becoming more eager to achieve it. The dream is becoming more detailed and vivid with each story like Lamar Odom’s coming to the surface. Mental health issues are real and can result in the end of someone’s life. I don’t want the world to wait anymore until people die. It’s tough going through anything mentally but there are precautionary actions we can take to help people everyday with their mental health and therapists and prescriptions don’t always have to be the only answer.
I’m dreaming of a substantial change in our culture. A simple smile, compliment, conversation could go a long way. I’m not saying it might work wonders medically but that there’s the potential that if we encourage our society to be more open to one another and make it more acceptable to not be okay sometimes and feel able to express that then we’re making a major step. I asked a guy on the metro “How are you feeling today?” And he looked at me like I was crazy. Like 1. Who actually talks to strangers on the metro? and 2. You care about how I’m doing today? Bizarre. I could tell it took him back a bit and I’m thinking why is this not normal. We have conditioned our people to suppress suppress suppress and get deeper and deeper into ourselves to the point where we have successfully isolated a population of people who are not ok to suffer in silence.
Ah man.

I just want better. I want little black and brown kids like me especially to know that you don’t have to just suck it up. You don’t have to deal with it on your own. You don’t have to be okay all the time. Vulnerability and weakness are not synonymous. There’s hope through each and every hardship. Life does not have to be this spiraling staircase downwards into this dark and scary place where it’s just you. There’s light. And I want to help spread that light.
For my senior capstone I’m a part of a group taking the initiative to teach 3rd-5th grade students about their mental health and stress. Not in a very sciency/serious/complicated way. It’s just teaching them about different emotions and how there are no bad emotions but life is about balancing those emotions and using healthy coping mechanisms throughout your different circumstances. I don’t think I’ve ever done a more important project than this one I’m about to produce. It’s too important. Life is too valuable and too precious to continue to let people suffer and suffer and suffer. Someone has to care. Someone had to do something. It’s too important.

Unmerited Favor

You dance behind closed doors

with strangers and different men

under the twisted disillusionment of lust

hoping that one of them will see your soul and tell you who you are

you didnt believe him when he told you

you were chosen

and wonderfully made

you scoffed at the idea that you could be special

which is why your wrists and that blade used to struggle

“what am I doing here?”, defeated you stay in the mirror

gazing at a broken woman

with many scars

you cant fathom how shes still alive

how has she survived

you know Jesus died for you but you cant fathom why

“who am I?” so underserving you cant even see that you did nothing to earn this

he gave his life for you he wasn’t murdered

you have to believe you are someone worth fighting for

worth dying for

someone with a purpose and a voice

chin up, sweet girl

surely you are distinguished

come out from that darkness

and the bondage you live in

you have to believe that you are here for His reason

and that every part of you He knows

so vibe with him

sing a song, bust a rhyme to him

pray your heart out so loud to him

because he’s heard your cry to men

you were looking for the love of God in them

But now it’s time to embrace the love and Grace he gives

The Hopeless Romantic

This person is in love with love.They believe in fairy tales and love.They’re not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that’s not what a hopeless romantic is. All hopeless romantics are idealists,the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them.They often live with rose colored glasses on.They make lovelook like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone. 

I always thought I was a hopeless romantic. Hopeless in the sense that the love I imagined I should have will never exist. But I was wrong. I’m a hopeful romantic. I’m in love with love and like Kendrick said “I love so much, I love when love hurts.” This is because I have so much love inside of me. I used to say I was just a “sucker for love” but no. love is a sucker for me. I’m by nature just a very loving person and my heart is very big I just want to spread love all around. Romantic or otherwise. So I have to be hopeful that there’s someone out there who can receive that. I am pretty much this definition but I think it hints at this idea of lack of reality. People think you’re a hopeless romantic because you are not realistic about the kind of love you deserve or can obtain hence the “rose-colored glasses.” But let’s be real. I know everything isn’t rosy. But you can have whatever you want in this world if you can think it. If you have faith and believe it. So I believe I can have it. I’m very realistic about what the reality of my love life is.

SO yeah lol this was a pretty random post but I just felt like saying I think people should stop being negative and calling themselves hopeless romantics simply because they have bigger ideas for the kind of love they want. Why would you settle for a complacent dull commitment when you could have passionate and complex depth with another person? It’s that depth and that passion that I long for and the truth is it’s hard to find but like Adele said “He’d be hard to chase but good to catch” so I keep hope alive. 

Her Psalm

So resilient she was born
with a fragile stamp mistakenly
placed on her forehead
And she has scars
Some deep
Some dark
Some long
But even the invisible wounds can’t tear her apart
From the start,
she fought with a strength
with a passion for life and with unwavering faith
She, in all her glory and clothed in all His grace
remained
Short but tall
Frail yet strong
She will never fall
Come storms, come hail, come all enemies far and long
She won’t be broken
Because He lies within her
The hope and love needed to sustain
this woman
He provides it all so surely
she will be great
And she will recover all upon the break of dawn.

(Inspired by Psalm 46:5)