Tag Archives: Struggles

True Life: Rituals

My livelihood absolutely depends on my rituals. I practice mantra, take meds, breath work, workout, affirmation and self preservation daily. These are the things that keep me. I’m in a place of my life where there is a lot going on. There’s friend challenges, family emergencies, grief, work deliverables/pressures. It’s a lot. Any time I get out of my daily routine I know things are not going well. It’s only been 3 days like this but that’s totally off for me.

So I practice being self aware and taking inventory. I adjust accordingly. I have to reset some of my rituals. The way I speak to myself. The people I spend my time with right now. And what i do to cleanse. Currently taking a break from social media has been a great choice. Distancing myself from friends and family who have triggered an anxiety/trauma response. Again, good choice. But i need a cleanse. For me the equivalence of using sage or palo santo to cleanse a space comes in the form of a shower. It is the only way I can get all that stuff off of me. All the labels and the expectations and the negative energy. It is the only way I can lift my light back up. It’s a cleanse of my temple but also spiritually it’s my way of telling myself “hey girl, ur not perfect no matter how much ppl might romanticize you or hold you on this pedestal. You are who you are. And you are a good person. You don’t deserve to be held hostage by the things that you cannot change. There is no sense in holding onto regret. Or ruminating on obsessive thoughts about coulda shoulda woulda’s. You deserve water. Freedom. A good cry. A good laugh. A hug. Some healing. You are worthy of the same love you so freely give others”

And i lather myself in that affirmation from head to toe. A relief cascades over me because I’m not just meditating over those words; I believe them. Another ritual I have to practice has been asking for help. I have a close relationship with my psychiatrist who i have known for 10+ years. She understands me, and my heart. And she looks out for things that most people in my support system don’t know to look for. She has my back. So taking my meds are a ritual and sometimes some meds have to be cycled back into rotation or phased out depending on life’s stressors at that moment. I used to see this as a measurement of failure. In mental health the view is like if you don’t have to take meds that’s “great” and if you do have to take meds that’s “bad” especially depending on how many meds you have to take. The stigma gets worse the more meds you have to take. Now, believe me, that is totally irrational. There is no way to say that because someone is on 3 meds and someone is on 1 that makes one better than the other. It’s a horrible stigma. And I know with all the things happening in life right now my anxiety is at an all-time high so I have to cycle back into taking an anxiety PRN. And that is okay. I just thank God that I know myself well enough to gauge my needs. And do what i need to do to take care of me. ☎️

Laugh Til We Cry

A, bb appreciation prose 🌹

What am I doing here?

Sometimes you go through things in life that seem to derail you from your path so much that you wonder, what am I doing here? Like how did I get to this place and what is the purpose. What am I supposed to be doing. I know where I want to be but how do I get there. All of these things run through your mind and things can be incredibly discouraging. You start to feel like why am I alive. What have I done. Am I important. What am I doing that’s important. Especially with people all around you flaunting their accomplishments and successes everywhere you look.

In life there will always be obstacles. The struggle is the same as time progresses, however, there is a purpose through each struggle. And this purpose helps you to figure out who you are and what your ultimate purpose is, as well as gets you closer to God. Because your faith will be tested each time. You will be tried and tested and for some it’s a battle between doubt and worry. God wants to know that you will rely on him and seek refuge in him through anything. And mostly that you will put him first through everything.

So I’m telling you, let go of all of that nonsense.

Get free of all that bondage.

God got you.

Sometimes It Rains

*dial tone*

HH: Heaven’s Hotlines, this is Angel speaking, what’s your emergency?

Sua: I’m caught in the rain.

You know they say when it rains it pours. And that’s the truth. I’m caught in the rain right now. literally and figuratively. It’s pouring down hard, freezing cold rain today. And it’s been a domino affect of things going wrong in my life since last weeks high. Last week I was on fire! I was so joyful, full of the holy spirit. How did I run out of fuel so abruptly? I prayed. I read the Bible. And still, I wasn’t ready.

I’d say the high came down after church yesterday. I felt the holy spirit dancing through me and just filling me up in service. It was beautiful, I didn’t want it to end. But it did. And then I was silent. Didn’t feel like I could talk to my best friend. It was strange. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t find the words to say how I was feeling and honestly I was just tired of being misunderstood. Also I was just physically exhausted from the nonstop week I’d had. So I get home, and by the grace of God am able to talk to a friend. He was understanding and made me smile and laugh. It was nice. fastforward–

I wake up this morning again to chaos.I think because I was so consumed with God and praying and singing and dancing and all I really wasn’t in touch with the reality of my life right now. I can never just be a typical student who’s biggest worry is passing the next exam. No. There are so many things going on in my life alllllll of the time, that I wasn’t affected by spiritually, because of the faith I have in God. However, As much as I’d like to just laugh at the devil and shrug him off. He is quite powerful. And apparently has sent a storm my way.

I was shocked when I wrote in my iPhone notes all the things that had recently happened to me/I had to do/ had to figure out. Recent as of 1-2 days ago up until the past hour. I won’t even begin to list but most of them are really serious. And I cant believe I’d “out-of-sight/ out-of-mind”ed everything. My favorite cousin actually commended me on “dealing with all the noise well” but am I really dealing with it well?

When I was talking to my best friend and her boyfriend they were telling me about how the world and God are polar opposites. You have to choose one. And they’ve chosen to seperate themselves from this world/society. I on the other hand, see the world as beautiful. Full of love and light and God. So I want to be a part of it. I want to enjoy my life here. BUT as of today, as I was walking through the rain, the freezing rain, I realized how reckless or idealistic I’d been. And now, I don’t think they’re  completely wrong, but I’m definitely not right. It’s about balance.

I had no balance these past 17 days of the month. I’d completely disregarded all the emotional, familial, financial and just career/school hardships I was facing/would soon be facing. I don’t think you can ever rid yourself of responsibilities or ignore the fact that you are of this world. But you can’t get so wrapped up in the things of this world because of the sin and darkness present everywhere. So COMO LIKE how do you achieve that balance?

I drove past a car on Saturday and it’s license plate was Psalm 91. And so I finally read it after sulking Sunday evening. It was so true! It was comforting. Because yes “The lord is truly my refuge  and my fortress.” And no I don’t want to worry about the “terror of night” nor the “arrow that flieth by day” or “the destruction that wasteth by noonday” but I’m human. And I do. I do worry. And I love that experience I had in the world that led me to this poetic and powerful verse, but it doesn’t tell you how to not worry. I mean, I too trust God. I know he loves me. And I know that when you pray on something then still worry, ultimately that means you doubt God. And I don’t! but again. I’m reminded of my humanity.

Basically I’m not filled with joy today. And I’m really trying but, when it rains it pours. Can only hope the sun comes back out tomorrow. I’ve learned to pray at times I find myself wanting to complain so that’s what I’m gonna do. That’s all I can do.