A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
I’m dialing in now,
Because something painfully apparent had been revealed to me. I was so exhausted, heavy, practically a martyr, because I was so easily and intentionally influenced by my friends, my family, my teachers, all the people I know in the world. I have wanted them to shape me. And help me figure out who I am. By doing so, I have put them before me. Because my biggest joy was to be able to help someone with something as simple as making them smile or something as big as loaning them money I don’t really have.
The thing about God and prayer is that he will grant you all that you pray for; knowing this, I am comforted but also now realize I never knew what to pray about. I would just thank God for my life, ask for forgiveness from my wrongdoings and mostly I prayed for other people. But I rarely prayed for myself and my wants. Because I never really knew what I wanted for myself so I would just hope and pray that someone out there is also praying for me.
But man! I’m so done with all of that. I want to pray for me. I want to please me. I want to choose me for a change. Instead of wearing the fact, that I was always the last person to get chosen for a team for dodgeball; or that I was born under extenuating circumstances, as a badge of honor. I will humble myself. I will take delight in the lord and I’ll pray for me. This year, 2015,I choose me.
I wrote a piece called “The Knowledge of Good and Evil: Part 1” it is in a series of 3. Part 1 is about the internalized and brutal self-hatred a person may have for themselves and the uncovering of a facade. Part 2 is about the foreign self-love a person starts to consciously strive and long for with true joy in mind. Then the final, Part 3 is about forgiveness. The forgiveness of yourself. I am my toughest critic to the point where I once feared my own self and my capabilities. But now I no longer fear. I am calm and at peace with who I am today. I love who I am. I love me, for a change.
And I just love how God has been using me and my writing. It truly is a gift that I don’t take for granted. People admire me for my writing or my confidence or my perseverance and I know it’s not me that they see when they look admirably onto me. It is the light in me. He deserves all the glory. And I just want everyone to feel the love I feel. Cause it really all could be so simple…
Approximately this time a year ago, after being all stuffed up with like a million different kinds of antidepressants and antipsychotics, I gained the most weight I’d ever carried in my life. It was mostly due to the side effects of those meds but you know because mental health is virtually invisible it’s hard for people to understand that that’s not only very possible but actually very common. So anyways yeah I weighed in at a solid 170 pounds. One day I made the foolish mistake of posting a link to my anonymous like social media profile where people can ask you questions. Thinking people would ask me you know cool thought provoking questions. Oh was I in for a rude awakening. Almost every question was about my weight. Clearly a touchy subject for any woman especially those of us who live in this western world. And especially me someone who had been recovering from a serious health issue.
But you know, people can be cruel sometimes, there were a lot of hurtful statements said on there you know things like “damn Sua you used to be so pretty when you were small” “you really let yourself go” “damn! wtf happened to you” amongst some others I didn’t even have the heart to post. Now, I thank God that it was anonymous because I know the ppl posting those msgs were ppl I know and may even consider them to be a “friend”. So anyways that really broke my self esteem and confidence down. And those are two things my parents and I, worked so hard to build up in me since I was little. Hence why I began stepping in the 3rd grade. Or I was on debate teams. etc. these were fun to me but they all served a very intentional purpose of helping me to break out of my shyness and be confident in myself. And so you know having what 22 years under my belt now I know I’m not only a very confident woman but I’m very strong. So when I say that broke me, I hope you can really imagine how much mental damage that did to me. But anyways, I had already made the conscious declaration that I was going to make my happiness a priority and I was really motivated to lose the weight so you know I was in the gym for atleast 2 hours and I went just about 4-6 days a week. So yeah I was really working. Because I wanted to prove to myself that this was not entirely my fault and that I am gonna get back to my normal weight, but also I couldn’t WAIT to get slim so I could STUNT on those who had looked at me with those sad pitiful eyes or had you know said or even thought mean things toward me.
But then I started to think about why I cared so much. Some (though very few) thought I was really beautiful when I was big, some thought I looked ugly when I was small. People are so mixy! We all have different preferences. So you can’t choose to live your life based on other people’s standards of what is acceptable or beautiful. So I started to remember a time where you know ppl would compliment me on how tiny I was. Even when I was really sick and was weighing about 98 pounds you know in this country thin is in so it made me feel proud to be able to see my ribs or my collar bones. But now I realize that the mind is really a powerful and dangerous thing. And I asked myself. What do I want? What is beautiful to me? And then my mindset changed and I stopped going to the gym so much because my goal was no longer to be thin. My goal was to be healthy. Happy and healthy. So I eased up and now I can honestly say I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been both physically and mentally. Though I have a lot more to work on physically to improve my health, like with eating habits etc. Im still better than I’ve ever been. And mostly I feel better than ever. And I’m happy with me. I don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval or Instagram likes to love myself. It actually really amuses me to see how much more popular I’ve become now that people percieve me to be I guess pretty again. It’s laughable because people can be so superficial. What I will say is that im fortunate to have had a few good friends who stuck by me when I was big and they still treated me like the same Sua that I’ve always been. Like my actual facial features never changed so I never understood what ppl meant when they said I used to be pretty. I’ve always been pretty. And once I convinced myself of that I really could care less about what people had to say because I don’t live my life trying to please others anymore. Yes I really like to make people happy and smile and laugh. But I don’t depend on that to keep me happy anymore. Because even now that I’m slim ppl are still talking and saying oh she must be smoking weed again. Oh she looks sick. Oh she’s too small. Again. It’s laughable! People will always have something to say, and your job is not to shut them up because they’re gonna talk anyways. You just have to get free! And be you. Be who you want to be and who you love to be and then nobody can affect you.
So for people asking me what kind of workout I’ve been doing and I tell you I haven’t set foot in a gym in a little over 5 months and you think I’m lying let me tell you what’s helped me to get my physical to match my mental. I keep my faith strong. People cannot shake me. Even though I’m naturally emotional and sensitive hence my being a Cancer lol, that’s not something I am sensitive about anymore. Because I know I am beautifully and wonderfully made.