A, bb appreciation prose 🌹
So I just had a moment.
Someone sent me some really kind words about my writing and then I was thinking “woah, I have a blog called ‘Heaven’s Hotlines’…do you know what that means?”
It finally hit me why I named it that and the concept behind such a name. A hotline is a place where you go to receive short-term crisis intervention. Be it needing help through an anxiety attack or just needing to know theres someone there to talk to you. Thats what hotlines are there for. To serve as that one connection in the world who a person reaches and supports them through a tough time.
Now to think of heaven as a hotline amazes me spiritually. It is the one connection I can call to be closer to God and get advice and support about my troubles, worries or fears. Additionally to that its the where I can connect to just to talk about positive things or gratitude as well. It’s a long term service that is always available.
So how does this relate to my naming my blog this when clearly I am not heaven? Well my intentions with this blog was to serve as a virtual representation of the thoughts I have and to serve as a transcript for some of my personal calls to heavens hotlines. Like sometimes I might post like my last few inspirational/creative pieces that may not seem like a call to heavens hotline but they are. In my own way I like to write and express whats on my heart whether it be about giving and getting love in this world or unmerited favor and looking for God in the wrong spaces, I feel its all connected. We all have different and unique ways that we connect to God.
Prayer is my hotline to heaven or to God. At any moment I can dial-up a prayer in the middle of a street or in class and just open up parts of me I can’t open up to anybody else. Mostly because He loves me unconditionally. He knows me inside and out and because I trust Him with my life. It’s comforting to know that as a christian I have this open prayer line where I can communicate with God at all times and prayer definitely changes things and is very powerful. So I mean I just want to encourage myself and others like me to pray more, keep that hotline open and fluid. It will provide an ease and peace of mind and the security you need to feel in your life.
You dance behind closed doors
with strangers and different men
under the twisted disillusionment of lust
hoping that one of them will see your soul and tell you who you are
you didnt believe him when he told you
you were chosen
and wonderfully made
you scoffed at the idea that you could be special
which is why your wrists and that blade used to struggle
“what am I doing here?”, defeated you stay in the mirror
gazing at a broken woman
with many scars
you cant fathom how shes still alive
how has she survived
you know Jesus died for you but you cant fathom why
“who am I?” so underserving you cant even see that you did nothing to earn this
he gave his life for you he wasn’t murdered
you have to believe you are someone worth fighting for
worth dying for
someone with a purpose and a voice
chin up, sweet girl
surely you are distinguished
come out from that darkness
and the bondage you live in
you have to believe that you are here for His reason
and that every part of you He knows
so vibe with him
sing a song, bust a rhyme to him
pray your heart out so loud to him
because he’s heard your cry to men
you were looking for the love of God in them
But now it’s time to embrace the love and Grace he gives
I have a song that I sing sometimes when I worship and it varies each time I sing it but one line that I always sing is that “You make me brand new; you do. time and time again its always you.” And today I’m feeling brand new. anew. renewed. Life in this world can become so consuming and it’s so easy to starve yourself spiritually and get caught up in the things you have to do such as school and work etc. Well I’ve had the unique privilege of having a lot more time to dedicate to my spirituality. the perception of my life right now may be that i’m going through a storm as I am 3 classes away from graduating however had to take a semester off due to financial reasons. And while sometimes when thinking about this I become incredibly frustrated and often times upset. I do not worry. I do not worry because I trust in God and I know he has a plan for my life. And today I have been made brand new. I have a brand new attitude, brand new smile and perspective. because I’m comforted by this. See, in the beginning when I was having these problems I was running to people to help me figure it out, though I prayed and even fasted in regard to this issue. I still did not give it all to God and trust that hes got it figured out.
I can’t even begin to express how I’ve found my peace of mind through this storm in my life. John 16:33 says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer I have overcome the world.” And I know for me this verse was really comforting and made a lot of sense. There’s no person who can find the solutions to my problems like He can so why would I put my trusts and hope in men? It’s incredibly foolish. Because people will always disappoint you but He never will.
The whole worrying about nothing, praying about all things has been therapeutic for me. It’s like I can’t carry these burdens in my life but my savior can so I trust Him to figure things out. And I know He will always do so in my favor. It feels good to be made to feel brand new. And to feel hopeful and optimistic about your future. Just keep praying and feed your soul by remaining faithful and thankful for all you have and all He’s done in your life.
I fell on bended knees
weeping with hurt and sadness all around me
all the bad, darkness and the heartbreaks of yesterday’s consuming my mental
Father, I can’t even look you in your eyes
my shame and guilt have led me blind
But with my head hanging down I cling to your feet
Because you’re the only good thing that I know
The only one to whom I can go
But why do I allow these people to hurt me so?
Queen, get up.
My daughter go spend time with me
laugh and sing and talk freely
For it’s only I who can interpret that song your heart sings
Only I can heal that pain he brings
And look at me with those beautiful brown eyes
And that brilliant sparkling smile
And go on with your life
You are so much more than this
I planned more for you than to just exist
Trust in me and you’ll be free
And I promise that in my love,
you will truly find peace
So stand strong
For I am the foundation you are built on.
Every time you stumble, or choke on the sin-filled air of this world; I will breathe you back to life.
Daughter, you have to know that,
Your beautiful soul is worth dying
So be still and stop all your crying.
For indeed you know who I am.
The Conquering Lion.
I’m dialing in now,
Because something painfully apparent had been revealed to me. I was so exhausted, heavy, practically a martyr, because I was so easily and intentionally influenced by my friends, my family, my teachers, all the people I know in the world. I have wanted them to shape me. And help me figure out who I am. By doing so, I have put them before me. Because my biggest joy was to be able to help someone with something as simple as making them smile or something as big as loaning them money I don’t really have.
The thing about God and prayer is that he will grant you all that you pray for; knowing this, I am comforted but also now realize I never knew what to pray about. I would just thank God for my life, ask for forgiveness from my wrongdoings and mostly I prayed for other people. But I rarely prayed for myself and my wants. Because I never really knew what I wanted for myself so I would just hope and pray that someone out there is also praying for me.
But man! I’m so done with all of that. I want to pray for me. I want to please me. I want to choose me for a change. Instead of wearing the fact, that I was always the last person to get chosen for a team for dodgeball; or that I was born under extenuating circumstances, as a badge of honor. I will humble myself. I will take delight in the lord and I’ll pray for me. This year, 2015,I choose me.
I wrote a piece called “The Knowledge of Good and Evil: Part 1” it is in a series of 3. Part 1 is about the internalized and brutal self-hatred a person may have for themselves and the uncovering of a facade. Part 2 is about the foreign self-love a person starts to consciously strive and long for with true joy in mind. Then the final, Part 3 is about forgiveness. The forgiveness of yourself. I am my toughest critic to the point where I once feared my own self and my capabilities. But now I no longer fear. I am calm and at peace with who I am today. I love who I am. I love me, for a change.
And I just love how God has been using me and my writing. It truly is a gift that I don’t take for granted. People admire me for my writing or my confidence or my perseverance and I know it’s not me that they see when they look admirably onto me. It is the light in me. He deserves all the glory. And I just want everyone to feel the love I feel. Cause it really all could be so simple…