The Vibes

I will give you that feeling you get when you connect silently, yet publicly, through curious eye contact with a stranger.

You feel like you know them, or at least you want to…know them.

But then they get up. They leave.

And though your eyes wander about, you realize that they’re not coming back.

Gone, forever.

But that feeling, you’ll surely remember.

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One of Those Days

I sat inside all day today.

Sleeping and waking and eating then sleeping again.

Catching up on shows I usually can’t watch live because of the intensity of my real life.

Alone.

All day, I was alone.

Thinking of the whirlwind, massive tornado that has hit what I call home.

Home.

Home is honestly wherever my father is.

And these days that’s not a location but a feeling.

That feeling I get when I see him smile.

His full set of pearly whites contrasted against his dark skin, remind me that there is God.

The sound of his laughter assures me that the sun will rise again.

And that all will be well.

But this day, full of emotion. I hadn’t spoken or seen my father in days.

I spoke with not one soul, for hours.

Time was flying, but still I laid.

Stiff on that tan couch.

Messages and calls kept lighting my screen saver that is full of red roses.

But I muted, I silenced-I could not bring myself to read let alone respond.

Chained by this depression.

This overwhelming feeling that has followed me on and off for years.

This day, it gripped my heart and paralyzed my mind.

I felt nothing.

I wanted to hide under the covers forever.

I wanted to sleep and never wake up.

Technically those could be considered suicidal thoughts.

But really, this day, my thoughts were just lost.

I felt like I was experiencing life in an alternate atmosphere.

The upside down version of our universe.

Work

School

Family

A mess…

These worries are far too much too carry.

Greeting the Trees and the Songs of the Wind

How could I lift me out of this fog? I hadn’t showered all day.

So I walked to the bathroom. Turned on the hot water and submerged myself into a cleanse. I couldn’t tell the difference between the tears and the droplets from the showerhead.

But I was moved to sing.

My psalm to God.

A sweet melody of surrender.

Tunes from the pits of my soul rolled off of the top of my dome.

I could feel my pulse through my toes.

This heart began to defrost.

My spirit is still alive.

The sun was gone well before I decided to greet the trees. It was dark out. But this was what I needed. The navy blue hue of the sky was gentle on my eyes.

There I stood on a balcony.

Breathing in the breeze.

Listing mentally all the things I was grateful for.

In that moment, overstaying my welcome in New Orleans didn’t seem so bad.

In fact it seemed to be destined.

I had a roof over my head and fufu and light soup to eat. I had clean clothes, no money, but breath in my lungs. Hours ago I had no idea how I would get home, but I had a brother to call.

In this moment, I was remembering light.

I was remembering that feeling I felt yesterday when I took a nap on a bench.

The sun was kissing me.

Overwhelming me by its warmth.

As much of a romantic as I am, even I have to remind myself that:

I too am loved.

Streets On Fire

10 people got hurt on a street I was on Saturday night.

A few people from home called to see if I was alright.

I can’t believe that I was really on that street that night.

But I left early.

I was so thankful when I thought about how close I was.

How close I was to breaking my fathers heart.

How close I was to making my loved ones cry.

How very close I almost always am to really not being alive.

I tend to forget that the enemy does not simply want to see me suffering, but the goal is to cease my life.

To quench this light instilled in me.

Man, 10 people got hurt last night and one lost their life that Saturday night

1 of them could have been me.

I swear,

My sole existence is attributed to His grace.

Apologies

Processed with VSCO with b1 presetI’m sorry I ever made you worry.

I left you in limbo.

You know me. When I go through things I tend to isolate.

Running further and further away from the love that I need.

But you would not relent.

Even after several unread or unreplied texts, you didn’t give up.

You didn’t give up on me.

You called.

You sent music.

You sent roses & heart-eyed emojis.

You double texted me when you felt the need.

I didn’t even bother to tell you that I was alive and alright.

I couldn’t budge or lift a finger; believe me even showering that day was hard.

Still I’m sorry I ever made you worry.

I’m sorry I fell out of touch.

You know me and when things get to be too much, like the cancer I am, I tend to bundle up.

But when we finally got back, there you were, reminding me of love.

A friend.

The friend that I need.

The friend I’ve been searching for my entire life to really just be there.

To be there.

To care.

To stay.

I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough.

I’m sorry I don’t tell you I love you or give you more hugs.

I’m sorry if I was careless with my words.

I’m sorry for all the gaps, the back and forth, the struggles with how we talk.

I’m sorry my friend, I really am, I can’t say this enough.

This Pressure, These Troubles

Beside myself
hunger and thirst just won’t relent
tussling and tossing through the night
chained in the brain
doesn’t ever feel the same
the mind, over time, wears you out
exhausted by this pressure
the anxiety
the panic
the inevitable

These troubles, I’m weary
My worries
unwind
pouring my heart through these eyes
bad news blues
interjecting my mental
again and again
You tell me this too will pass
But how long will it last?
How much of me will be lost?
You carry this weight
still it pains me
this rain it stains me
confusion and abusive tendencies
conflicted interests
praying you’ll change things

This flesh, so weak
grieved and bound by shackles you can’t see
But you carry all burdens
I stand by way of your shoulders
you care for me
victory even if for a moment
Your will entices me
keeps my focus sharp

What am I doing here?
The spirit is willing
But this harassment is unending
I made these choices
brick by brick they have cemented me
my heart, gray and engulfed by sin
still beats
you’re greater than these worries
these troubles
my problems
From within
You heal
You’re in control

In a daze
I want to see
I want to know
To feel,
The inverted truth of my reality
Something has to give
No matter how many wrongs I’ve chosen you’ve still chosen me.
Redeemed.