I never knew they had a Word for this


I have only known what it feels like to lose. To have everything I have ever loved taken from me. And this pain felt like the sensation that hood niggas talk shit to other niggas about and swap tattoo stories with but only with their real Niggas so they can share the artistic symbolism behind the sheer grace that covers them and the prideful protection that reminds them that even though “it says in the Bible not to get tattoos or piercings” every day I’m a survivor *destinys child voice*…..nigga.

(and only real Niggas could feel how Crazy this shit right here really is Son!!!)

And then they laugh about it later.

But I am not finding anything about this funny.

And people who know me tell me I just lost my laugh. why so serious, love?

And I already know it’s cause I Know they know I be sitting up in my room all night playing that little violin like I’m spongebob harmonizing freestyles to my Nigga cole’s “Too Deep for the Intro”

I know.


Is this not factual? Because they really are.

They are Survivors, who have met Death and knocked that nigga tf out.

And came back joyfully hollering “aaaaaayooooo!” All the way back up the same block they got shot on to encourage the rest of us niggas who They knew atleast One of us niggas would be there any time of the Day. But we didn’t even notice them walking up because our eyes be low and last we heard they was still hooked up in the hospital cause they mama still crying on the floor hugging her heart into the doctors leg. Knowing she can’t afford it, but still willing to beg like the dog They already see Her as

Just so they don’t.

don’t turn



And, us niggas cold out here blowing white air into our rubbing palms. And taking turns between that and keeping our hands in our pants but we Had to step out real quick cause if we thought about it too long we would cry and Real niggas can’t cry outside, so we just focused on the thought that we were already sure of:

He was definitely dead.

Now, I’ve never been shot before.

But this pain felt like that. Like those stories I’ve heard from niggas I’ve Known who share about that burning of a bullet that is stuck in the muscle that even takes doctors and specialists a long time to dislodge

I have felt this same physical pain niggas respect where I’m From but only, it was in my mind.

still I felt This:




I labeled myself abandoned. I am the other bright little yellow glove that is never recovered in the brown little bin they keep hidden somewhere in the front office of most public schools. The Ones where They Have to rip sheets of White Printing Paper and use Tape and the Nearest Ink Pens they could Find to hurry and label and tape on it and write in chicken scratch to be Inclusive of Everyone so they can all Know this is where the school’s:

“lost and found” is.

So I never understood why people told me to suck it up:

Just pray. I’ll pray for you. Just get up. See somebody. We all got shit to do. We all got a story. I’m going through real shit right now too. You loved Solange album but still ain’t realize you can just Smoke it awaaay? Stop crying. Stop being a baby.

cry baby.

CRY Baby!

                                                    Nana-Nana-boO BOOM!

 *covers Eyes instantly to catch and Keep the Only things I have Left to call Mine so they can’t see It and steal it*

And also to say a quick Prayer to the baby named Jeezus that I learned about Last Sunday at Evangiless Cathedriul Academy Sunday School that was in the Gym of some School.

Cause They Taught me this Song that Taught me about another Kid only a lil bit younger than me Who uhm they said he loves all the kids in the whole wide world and i know i’m 6 now but i think I’m kinna a kid right? or i forgot. but i’m in the middle. cause Chocolate is the baby. and Tink is taller than me. but they told me he Loves me SO Much that He said if I Believe in Him then I Can Never Die.

*finally starting the prayer, clears throat*


*whispers through sniffles*

hi…may I ask who’s speaking?

(oh! Dory moment. I’m the one who called facepalm emoji)

baby..uh…Jeezus? uhm yeah so my Name is u-u-Ah-koo-oo… uhm its hmm Akoo.soo.wah Renny uhm BAMfour but like I mean everybody calls me swa and I like that better so you Can. Call. Me. That. too… so uhm anyways, u-hm someone told me I could call you because uhm like yeah my daddy gave me this name it uhm it means something in African cause oh yeah I forgot to tell you my my daddy is from like Africa. And its a small place but its reaaaaally far away and I cant uhm remember what its called but uhm I can tell you when I ask Miz. Penland when she come gets me on monday. And I think we did just learn sumn about how Africas got to ride a boat sooo far away just to come here and the bad white people hurt them but now theyre happy again and they wear this uhm yellow color African color uhm clothes thingy uhm now I think I remem-mber. Uhm and they can yeah uhm be free now so uhm now nobody can hurt my daddy anymore because uhm my daddy was one of them. Too so now like he lives in our uhm new big house we moved to. And its sooo much fun here! Uhm but uhm and uhm OH! its me and my sisters and my Big brother. he always the only One who allways tell me I’m his favrit. and im not sure where my mommie is right now but she promised shes coming right back. So uhm yeah we live here uhm. And uhm I was born here but uhm. Its kind of like uhm I cant really speak right now uhm

but I just

but I just

but I just

wanted you to know about my name cause my daddy told me about it means something uhm about the day I was born I think and I cant remember which day that is yet even tho I just learned uhm the days of the week song in Miz. Penland’s Class that we get to sing allll together every morning! but uhm I think like uhm idk…but uhm just please uhm like uh baby Jeezuss uhm like can you like maybe kinna uhm like ….maybe uhm may you please, please, pretty please just change your mind and hurry and let me die?

So…maybe I can come play with you instead… sometimes…uhm if You want?


cuz my daddy can call your daddy and maybe we can get allowed to go to da park. we can walk to the one by my house? if you want? cause big kids be there too like my sister Tink-Tink so we can like be safe even at dark. I mean uhh its okay if you can’t. I’m just trying hard not to believe in you since you probably live far away from me and I cant ask my daddy to take me. Cause uhm. So you can just do that please cause uhm Cause I mean like the pretty white Ladies at the church uhm I know its in the gym at dat school but uhm my daddy told me uhm it Is still uhm like a real Church. So uhm like They told me you were um like uhm really nice so yeah. I was just calling to say Hey. And like if you get a chance im just wondering if you could uhm like give me a call back please? uhm or uhm I mean i don’t know anybodys number by heart but my daddys and I kinna don’t know if I can sneak his phone because he doesn’t like to leave it in his coat pocket anymore I think or I haven’t seen it there uhm. uhm but yeah cause hes always at work all night and I keep falling asleep too early to see him but sometimes I do hear him walking and then I pretend to be sleep cuz uhm im scared he might yell at me because I was supposed to go to sleep already. But we was outside playing at the park wit the other kinds around are way and uhm so uhm like idk when I can see him to ask him to use his phone and uhm he might be tired so I cant ask uhm so….if you can just uhm. Make it just quiet again uhm. It would be Appree she ate it.

Thank you uhm for your uhh, thank you uhm, for your uhh, for your tim!

Thank you for your tim.

Have A Good Day.



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