I sat inside all day today.
Sleeping and waking and eating then sleeping again.
Catching up on shows I usually can’t watch live because of the intensity of my real life.
All day, I was alone.
Thinking of the whirlwind, massive tornado that has hit what I call home.
Home is honestly wherever my father is.
And these days that’s not a location but a feeling.
That feeling I get when I see him smile.
His full set of pearly whites contrasted against his dark skin, remind me that there is God.
The sound of his laughter assures me that the sun will rise again.
And that all will be well.
But this day, full of emotion. I hadn’t spoken or seen my father in days.
I spoke with not one soul, for hours.
Time was flying, but still I laid.
Stiff on that tan couch.
Messages and calls kept lighting my screen saver that is full of red roses.
But I muted, I silenced-I could not bring myself to read let alone respond.
Chained by this depression.
This overwhelming feeling that has followed me on and off for years.
This day, it gripped my heart and paralyzed my mind.
I felt nothing.
I wanted to hide under the covers forever.
I wanted to sleep and never wake up.
Technically those could be considered suicidal thoughts.
But really, this day, my thoughts were just lost.
I felt like I was experiencing life in an alternate atmosphere.
The upside down version of our universe.
These worries are far too much too carry.