So I was thinking a lot about why I write. I’ve always prided myself on writing “For and By Sua” this is why I often don’t share. But I’ve never really been much of a selfish person. And I think it’s a beautiful thing to be able to capture something so personal and to be so vulnerable, and to share, and have someone tell you they could relate to that. Or that they got hope from that… I recently applied to volunteer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and we’ve been in correspondence and they asked for a writing sample. So I chose this piece which I recently re-worked in order to bring a lot more light in it while still staying true to the darkness and depth of the original piece. So here goes… this is called “Numb”

This pain
It was sharp and alive,
Not like the kind I’ve long been used to.
It was the kind that consumes
With dark gloomy clouds raining down well into my June
I got used to this feeling
This feeling of being used
It becomes so great sometimes you have to question if you’re still ‘you’
It’s the kind you can’t shake off
with pins and needles everywhere
You just feel lost

It’s the kind you can only see through half smiles
It affects you through invisible, unspeakable ways
They say,
The eyes are the window to your soul but your smile is the shield behind which you can hide
It’s that reminder that so long as the sun is out, even though you may feel cold and afraid,

You have to smile
And imagine that things are alright
You’re grateful for your life but that stinging never quite fades away.
Through darkness and in light it stands by
See this was different.
It was unwelcomed and persistent
It was like exhaling and never breathing again
It made you wish you couldn’t feel a thing
It’s when walking through thunderstorms is easier than blending in with a sunny day

This pain was different…

It seemed like nothing would be the same, I was forced to surrender my flame
I’d muted all emotion
And my eyes adjusted to the night
Because when this darkness came
It stayed
It became my only friend
Smothered me with black, heavy chains
that held me down and drowned me in rain
And some nights I’d howl to the moon
I envied how no matter how dark the night, it still shined through

But one night,
I saw God in that moon
And my heart flickered.